Almost Famous: Hart Hanson

I have been following Hart Hanson on Twitter lately. He’s really good at it. The TV producer and writer (Bones is his current project, but I remember the days of Street Legal and Neon Rider, when I used to tell people “Hey, I know that guy,” and they would say “Ew, you watch Neon Rider?“) uses Twitter like the Neon Rider used his eyebrows: fast and funny, and occasionally confusing, but only if you’re stupid.

Here’s how I know Hart Hanson.

In 1982 or so, the bossman at The Toronto Sun, a friend of our family named Peter Brewster, called my mother at our weekly newspaper in small-town Northern Ontario. “I have this guy,” Peter said, “who wants to ride across the country on a bicycle, and has somehow talked me into paying him to do so. He’s going to write about the towns as he passes through. When he gets to Nipigon, could you put him up for a day and introduce him around?”

And in rides Hart Hanson, this kid with crazy blonde hair, who proves to be one of the funniest people I’ve ever known. Also, he has a last name for a first name, so I could relate. Right off the bat, he told us a story about how he once farted in church; I was 14, and this was comedy gold. He ended up staying for quite a while, and we had some pretty cool adventures.

I asked my mother about this a few days ago.

“Well, he was this hilarious guy riding his bike across the country, and you boys, with no father, just glued yourselves to him,” she said. “He was a major role model. He came along at exactly the right time.”

She’s right. Looking back, I have to acknowledge how much of an influence Hart was on my life. My sense of humour, my need for adventure, my years attached to a bicycle, riding across the country, and my habit of being kind of irreverent … a lot of that comes from Hart Hanson. Let’s not forget the journalism side of things; I grew up newspapering, so it was “the family business,” but meeting a cool guy on a bike who was getting paid to ride around, meet people and get into adventures, made it much more appealing. That’s why I do what I do. Right there.

Hart Hanson went on to a career in TV and he’s kind of super-famous now. I haven’t seen him since those days. But I’ve always wanted to tell him something: Hart, we can never fully understand the mark we leave on this world, and on its people; passing moments can leave permanent legacies. And also, you forgot your green Speedo at my house.

I Took The Test. Still Not Gay

This is the official certified test from Christwire.org that is generating all the buzz right now. It will determine whether I am, in fact, gay. It lists warning signs to watch for; I’ll see if they apply to me.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers.

Um, yes. I’m doing it right now. Sometimes I just have to upload a funny picture of the Admiral in a leotard to the Rock Paper Scissors forum.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way.

Guilty. But it was Shatner, and you would, too.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups.

Yeah, I can honestly say I’ve never done this.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home.

I think Mrs. Weathereye would gladly accept me being gay if this part were to come true. I’m the guy who spends a whole workday with shaving cream in his ear, and the basement is always a mess.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports.

The exact opposite, in fact. Except golf. Golf is kind of faggy.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy.”

Let’s try an experiment: I will wear tight, trendy clothes to a gay bar, and we’ll see how quickly I end the night alone. Do bicycle shorts count?

7) Strange sexual demands

At my age, the strangest sexual demand I could make is “Should I take off my socks?”

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films.

I’m kind of guilty of this, but only because I’m studying their acting technique. And the lighting.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia.

Uhh … big cities or Asia? I hate big cities, and I’ve never been to Asia. I do walk past the Asian Food Market every few days. I like it when they have a live chicken running around. That’s some funny shit right there. I went to a big city, Toronto a while ago and managed to avoid getting gayed up.

10) Too many friendly young male friends.

Denied! All my friends are girls, including some of the guys. One time, my friend Rob shyly gave me a Butthole Surfers cassette and invited me to a poetry reading. But we don’t talk about those days.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends.

This does not sound like me at all, bitches.

12) Love of pop culture.

The test specifically mentions The Golden Girls, which is apparently the gayest show of all time. These people have clearly never watched Gilligan’s Island, or Starsky and Hutch, or ChiPs.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public.

Well, I used to be, and then the neighbours signed a petition.

14) Sudden heavy drinking.

That was a different petition. For some reason, this question goes on to ask whether hubby comes home from a night out smelling like cigarettes and gel. The type of gel is not specified.

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?

She can’t answer, because she’s waiting for me to finish the test.

Conclusion: I am not gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that.