You Wake Up One Day, And You’re Suddenly Stephen Dorff

So you look at the positives:

1. Bullets would bounce off your pelvis.
2. You played lost Beatle Stu Sutcliffe in Backbeat, and also appeared in a Limp Bizkit video and on Diff’rent Strokes.
3. Random people hand you Coronas, and you skip the whole “lemon or lime?” bullshit.
4. You’re hanging out on an Italian beach with Sofia Coppola and her new boyfriend, Quentin Tarantino, because she dumped Spike Jonze for being too non-nerdy.
5. Despite Cold Creek Manor, people still offer you acting roles, like your next movie, which is about porn stars.
6. You look better in a swimsuit than Quentin Tarantino.

And then you look at the negatives.

1. You’re Stephen Dorff.