Manly Tips 11: My Manly Stuff

Here’s the stuff I carry with me everywhere I go. If you don’t have the same stuff on you, you should go watch a Justin Bieber video, or maybe get some highlights put in your hair.

1. Pocket knife: You need one of these for fixin’ your motorcycle on a steep mountain road, or crackin’ a bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon, or fightin’ ninjas.
2. USB memory stick: You can keep your porn on it. None of that weird shit, though.
3. A bandanna: Screw you if you don’t like my bandanna.
4. Map: Just kidding.
5. Sunglasses: To protect my eyes from harmful UV radiation, and also for lookin’ at boobs.
6. Water bottle: People look at you funny if you whip out one of those old-timey pocket flasks, so get one of those metal water bottles instead.
7. Nunchuks: For when you drop your knife. Make sure you practise, though. If you see a nerd with a black eye, you can bet he was foolin’ around with nunchuks.
8. A laminated photograph of Elvis: If you can’t find one, a picture of Jim Rockford, Magnum PI or the Fonz. You might be fooled into carrying around a picture of Hasselhoff, but if it’s the one of him in the black leather jacket and bikini briefs, just stop reading now and go to Perez Hilton or something.
9. Sixty-seven keys: I don’t even know what these open. I have a house key and a car key and an office key and sixty-three others. I think one is from my first apartment. Men don’t get rid of keys.
10. Bacon: I like to keep a napkin full of bacon on my person at all times, and you should, too. You never know when you’ll be at a burger joint that doesn’t offer bacon, and it makes every dog your friend, and helps you score with Canadian chicks down outside the bingo.