Manly Tips 11: My Manly StuffApril 14, 2010
Here’s the stuff I carry with me everywhere I go. If you don’t have the same stuff on you, you should go watch a Justin Bieber video, or maybe get some highlights put in your hair.
- Pocket knife: You need one of these for fixin’ your motorcycle on a steep mountain road, or crackin’ a bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon, or fightin’ ninjas.
- USB memory stick: You can keep your porn on it. None of that weird shit, though.
- A bandanna: Screw you if you don’t like my bandanna.
- Map: Just kidding.
- Sunglasses: To protect my eyes from harmful UV radiation, and also for lookin’ at boobs.
- Water bottle: People look at you funny if you whip out one of those old-timey pocket flasks, so get one of those metal water bottles instead.
- Nunchuks: For when you drop your knife. Make sure you practise, though. If you see a nerd with a black eye, you can bet he was foolin’ around with nunchuks.
- A laminated photograph of Elvis: If you can’t find one, a picture of Jim Rockford, Magnum PI or the Fonz. You might be fooled into carrying around a picture of Hasselhoff, but if it’s the one of him in the black leather jacket and bikini briefs, just stop reading now and go to Perez Hilton or something.
- Sixty-seven keys: I don’t even know what these open. I have a house key and a car key and an office key and sixty-three others. I think one is from my first apartment. Men don’t get rid of keys.
- Bacon: I like to keep a napkin full of bacon on my person at all times, and you should, too. You never know when you’ll be at a burger joint that doesn’t offer bacon, and it makes every dog your friend, and helps you score with Canadian chicks down outside the bingo.