Easter Island Sex Toy

Recently unearthed during an archaeological dig on a remote corner of Easter Island, this rare object has been identified by esteemed historian Hugh G. Rection as a 1,000-year-old Easter Island Sex Toy. Rection, a professor of dildology at Hardvard University, says the unusual totem was carved from a single piece of white marble.

I asked him why it looks so much like that big half-empty jug of water I brought in from my garage and put on my dining room table, and he said he didn’t know, and I told him he might be full of crap.

Table by IKEA.