The time has come, readers, for me to talk to you about the horror, the tragedy, the disaster that is the 2004 “film” Boa vs. Python.
This product, which lives up to both definitions of the acronym STDVD, came to my attention last year when it was included in a DVD collection that was given to me. I didn’t take notice of it right away, but after a few days it began creeping into my vision. I’d notice it out of the corner of my eye, whirl … but there would be nothing there. It was like a ghost, a shade, a creeper in the night. Also, the title on the spine is almost the same colour as the spine itself, so it’s really hard to read.
It took me several attempts to make it all the way through the movie. The first few times, I got the sudden urge to go do laundry, or clean the bathroom. This does not bode well for a movie with this plot line: A billionaire tries to import a rare 10o-foot python to the U.S., but when it goes rogue and disappears, the FBI, wait for it, equips an even bigger boa constrictor with a video camera and a, wait for it, remote control unit. This allows nerds to sit in one of those FBI vans full of blinking lights and make the boa fight the python.
The special effects are about what you would expect from a movie that cost four figures to make, or at least looks like it did. Proof of this can be found in the IMDB goofs section, which is lengthy, and focuses on errors in filmmaking. And also errors of fact (“Factual errors: Snakes do not growl nor do they roar”).
Movies like this sometimes surprise us, because a decent, original story or solid acting performance pull us out of the crap effects or ludicrous plot. This is not one of those movies. Despite the presence of David Hewlett, a favourite actor of mine (star of cool stuff like Stargate: Atlantis, Pin, Scanners II, Treed Murray, Cube and Kung Fu: The Legend Continues) (just kidding about that last one), Boa vs. Python is a pile of bad writing, bad acting, bad directing, bad effects and bad catering. Everyone looks like the breakfast cart had nothing but yesterday’s McMuffins from a dumpster.
That being said, you should watch this, only to see how a really stupid idea and a bad plan can spiral into a movie that’s worse than you’d expect. It really is something to experience at least once.
Boa vs. Python. It’s real. It’s horrible. It’s here.