I have 10 questions for Gary Moody of Portland, Maine, who has been nabbed (again) hiding in a campground outhouse. You may remember this guy; he was arrested a few years ago for the same offence, and told police he had dropped his wedding ring into the pit. This time, he said he’d dropped his shirt.
As I’ve mentioned before, I have nothing but sympathy for people with psychiatric or psychological conditions that make them want to do these strange things … until those compulsions intrude into other people’s lives. Imagine yourself sitting in that outhouse — already an unpleasant enough experience — only to discover a face looking up at your privates. Imagine it’s your mother, or wife, or child.
If I were still a crime reporter, and I had the chance to meet with Gary and ask him a few questions, this is what they would be:
- How did you fit through that narrow little poo-hole?
- Have you ever gotten stuck halfway into an outhouse?
- Have you ever found anything interesting down there, like an old comic book, or a cellphone, or a bag of smuggled heroin?
- Assuming you really did drop your wedding ring, how much do you love your wife, and is getting the ring back really worth crawling into human poo-waste?
- Assuming you really did drop your shirt, how much do you love that stupid shirt? Did your wife give it to you?
- What does it feel like to sit in poo?
- Assuming, as you say, that you have “an outhouse problem,” and you’ve done this many times before, how do you clean up afterward?
- Why the hell would you do this?
- Why? For the love of God, why?
- Do people call you Mr. Smells Like Poo?
I used to know a guy who was hired to pump out portapotties at campgrounds. He quit after a few weeks because he could never get rid of the smell on his skin. Imagine what Gary’s wife must have to live with …
Here’s an article about Gary, with a smelly-looking photo.