How could I not write about this guy today? Look at his name! Go ahead, say it out loud. Fun, isn’t it? I think this proves my old theory that if you’re cursed with a stupid name, you will do stupid things.
What did Wikler do? He faked his own kidnapping. Badly. He text-messaged his wife this week and told her he had been snatched by thugs. Don’t call the cops, he told her. Also, don’t panic, everything will be okay. His wife didn’t listen. She panicked, and she called the Hillsborough County, Florida, police and the cops tracked Wikler’s cell phone — they can do that now, you know — and “rescued” him.
He wasn’t stashed in the trunk of a Cadillac, nor was he tied up in a closet. He was shacked up with a lady. Wikler admitted to the police officers who found him that he had concocted the kidnapping scheme to free up some time to get down with a woman who wasn’t his wife. He has been charged with filing a false police report.
The capper: He’s a pastor in the Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform. A man of the cloth. I don’t know much about his church, but I’m guessing they frown on this sort of thing. And I’m guessing they like their preachers to have a little more going on between the ears.
I have some suggestions for Wikler and anyone other wannabe cheaters looking for sure-fire excuses:
- “I won an all-expenses-paid weekend in a sensory deprivation chamber at the university.”
- “My vow of silence kicks in this weekend. I’ll be outside in the forest, in a sweat lodge, and you’ll ruin things if you check on me.”
- “I’ve been drafted, but just for this weekend. I’m going to fight in Iraq. I’ll be back Monday.”
As stupid as he is, though, I suspect Wikler was doomed to this fate from birth, because of his name. Life can’t have been easy. But he isn’t alone; check out these poor people.