Today’s Moron: Ian Stafford

"Do these come in black?"

The mayor of the town of Preesall, Lancashire, is in custody today after police charged him with stealing women’s underwear. Actually, this is in England, so they were “knickers,” which I can’t say with a straight face. We called them gitchies when I was a kid, and that’s a much more dignified name for them.

Ian Stafford, 58, was arrested after a lengthy investigation into the theft of gitchies from women’s homes. Police were stumped until one victim, who had had several pairs of bumcovers taken and/or defiled, installed a hidden camera in her home. This camera recorded a man police say is Stafford entering her bedroom in a half-naked state and “performing a sex act” with a pair of her unmentionables. The mayor was then arrested, and when his home was searched, stacks of silkies were found hidden away.

I feel kind of bad for people with this kind of fetish, because it is a mental illness. I have no sympathy, however, for people who violate others’ privacy and safety to indulge their need to satisfy their urges. And for a public figure to allegedly do this? Stupid and wrong.

Stafford has not been convicted and is, at this time, only accused of being a perverted housebreaker, and is considered innocent until proven depraved. He has resigned his post.

True story: the husband of a friend of mine was revealed as a slipper fetishist a few years back. He apparently had an obsession with pleasuring himself by using women’s slippers. This was all revealed after they split up, and female members of her family told her he had come to them at various times and explained his problem, saying that his shrink told him the only cure was to be shamed by doing it in front of females he respected, i.e. his inlaws. They said no. I doubt they even had to put a lot of thought into his offer.

A couple of years later, I was browsing at my favourite used bookstore, which had a buy/sell/wanted bulletin board. I spotted a note: “Looking for Aug. 1982 issue of Hustler,” and the contact info was Mr. Slipper at his business. Later, when I told his ex about this, we got all sneaky and creative, so another friend called him up, pretending to have the issue in question. This is the conversation:

• Friend: “I have the Aug. 82. Is it for a collection?”
• Mr. S: “No, I’m just looking for that one.”
• Friend: “I hate parting with it for just anyone. I thought it would go to a collector. What do you want it for?”
• Mr. S: “(Long pause) No big reason.”
• Friend: “Are the women all wearing fuzzy slippers in it or something?”

Click.

Like I said: if you have some weird fetish, keep it at home. Don’t share it with others. We really don’t want to know about it.