The Great Video Game Divide

I don’t know much about video games. This became clear when I listened to the latest episode of Nerd Hurdles, which was all about video games. Actually, it’s made clear all the time when I try to play Lego Batman with my kid, who groans and moans when I don’t understand what “hit right, triangle, triangle, square, Dad!” means.

By rights, I should love video games. I’m from the first video game generation. When I was a kid, pinball arcades started bringing in the first wave of coin-operated video games: Night Driver, Pong, Gunfighter … simply, basic games that caught my attention. Later, a friend received an Atari 2600; that was a blast. I had a VIC-20, a cousin had ColecoVision, and I spent a lot of time and a lot of money in arcades during those shiny, glorious early 80s, playing Tron, Vanguard, Gorf, Pac-Man, Pole Position …

But by the mid-80s, I had moved on to other interests, and I missed the so-called collapse of the home console industry, the rise of Nintendo and the spread of home gaming. It wasn’t until I bought my oldest son a Sega Genesis in 1993 that I realized how huge things had gotten. I remember playing NHL 94 on it and marvelling at the “realistic” graphics. Later, someone gave me Wolfenstein 3D for my Mac LC275, and I played it a lot while waiting for Mosaic to load early WWW pages.

Since then, though, I’ve never really played video games. I worked through HalfLife on the PC over the course of a year, and I did buy the Sims, although I lost interest fairly quickly. Now and then I’ll play something with the kids, and I’ll confess I’ve found the original Wolfenstein 3D online, and I’ve been playing that again.

I suspect my age has something to do with it. People under 35 grew up with video games everywhere. They were never new to them. People even younger think that Sega Genesis is “old.” But I was right at that age to take advantage of the early rise, then lose interest when things got shitty in the mid 80s. Remember Dragon’s Lair? All the hype about that? I think that was the end of video games for me.

No, I think the fact that I entered my peak rockin’ years — 16 to 24 — right as the gaming industry was in a slump was the factor. This is why I own more guitars than I do game controllers, and why I suck at Tetris. By the time the industry flared back up again, I was too old to learn new tricks. And while I was long-haired and wild, ignoring computers and gaming, a lot of guys stuck with it. They’re the ones making games now, or working in software development, or inventing BlackBerries. I’ll bet they’re still jealous of me.

Today’s Moron: Ian Stafford

"Do these come in black?"

The mayor of the town of Preesall, Lancashire, is in custody today after police charged him with stealing women’s underwear. Actually, this is in England, so they were “knickers,” which I can’t say with a straight face. We called them gitchies when I was a kid, and that’s a much more dignified name for them.

Ian Stafford, 58, was arrested after a lengthy investigation into the theft of gitchies from women’s homes. Police were stumped until one victim, who had had several pairs of bumcovers taken and/or defiled, installed a hidden camera in her home. This camera recorded a man police say is Stafford entering her bedroom in a half-naked state and “performing a sex act” with a pair of her unmentionables. The mayor was then arrested, and when his home was searched, stacks of silkies were found hidden away.

I feel kind of bad for people with this kind of fetish, because it is a mental illness. I have no sympathy, however, for people who violate others’ privacy and safety to indulge their need to satisfy their urges. And for a public figure to allegedly do this? Stupid and wrong.

Stafford has not been convicted and is, at this time, only accused of being a perverted housebreaker, and is considered innocent until proven depraved. He has resigned his post.

True story: the husband of a friend of mine was revealed as a slipper fetishist a few years back. He apparently had an obsession with pleasuring himself by using women’s slippers. This was all revealed after they split up, and female members of her family told her he had come to them at various times and explained his problem, saying that his shrink told him the only cure was to be shamed by doing it in front of females he respected, i.e. his inlaws. They said no. I doubt they even had to put a lot of thought into his offer.

A couple of years later, I was browsing at my favourite used bookstore, which had a buy/sell/wanted bulletin board. I spotted a note: “Looking for Aug. 1982 issue of Hustler,” and the contact info was Mr. Slipper at his business. Later, when I told his ex about this, we got all sneaky and creative, so another friend called him up, pretending to have the issue in question. This is the conversation:

• Friend: “I have the Aug. 82. Is it for a collection?”
• Mr. S: “No, I’m just looking for that one.”
• Friend: “I hate parting with it for just anyone. I thought it would go to a collector. What do you want it for?”
• Mr. S: “(Long pause) No big reason.”
• Friend: “Are the women all wearing fuzzy slippers in it or something?”

Click.

Like I said: if you have some weird fetish, keep it at home. Don’t share it with others. We really don’t want to know about it.

• UPDATE January 4, 2010: Admission of guilt.
• UPDATE  February 5, 2010: Jail time.