Archive for July 6th, 2009

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I’m Being Sued

July 6, 2009

Well, I guess I knew this time would come. A man can anonymously blog about public figures and other morons for so long before the hammer falls — and when it falls, it falls hard.

I was served with legal papers this afternoon. I’m being sued for libel over something I wrote here at the Weather Station. Here, read it yourself:

Leif R. Borr
Attorney At Law
No. 487490B-119

July 6, 2009

SUPERIOR COURT OF ONTARIO

Applicant
William G. Chestnuttree
Front Yard
Beside The Driveway

Respondent
We At Her Eye
The House
The End Of The Driveway

  1. Applicant is a resident of Respondent’s yard. Applicant is employed as a chestnut maker, a position he has held for 38 years. These chestnuts are used to create conkers for the game of the same name, played by dozens of people worldwide.
  2. Applicant has never visited Alaska and tends to remain close to home, with long-standing roots in the community.
  3. Applicant is male and, if American, would vote Green.
  4. Respondent is known to Applicant. Respondent mows grass surrounding Applicant, and occasionally uses gas-powered device to trim weeds surrounding Applicant’s trunk. Respondent’s children also swing from lower branches at times.
  5. Respondent spends many hours in the basement of the house, creating Internet documents mocking people he has never met.
  6. On July 6, 2009, Respondent posted an inflammatory document containing false allegations and deliberately incorrect information about Applicant. This information included, but may not be restricted to, a comparison of Applicant’s whorls to the face of American politician Sarah Palin. The document was posted at Weather Station 1.
  7. The document was read by no more than 5 and no less than 2 nerds.
  8. The above-mentioned document is not privileged as it was written with malice toward Applicant.
  9. The entire statement is false as it pertains to Applicant. The statement is libelous on its face. It clearly exposes Applicant to ridicule, hatred and contempt.
  10. As a proximate result of said document, Applicant has suffered material losses. Maple trees in the vicinity have refused to speak to Applicant. Applicant’s employer, the cedar hedge across the street, terminated his employment, stating Applicant’s publicized resemblance to Sarah Palin interferes with his ability to manufacture chestnuts. Investigators from the next block have been asking questions about Applicant’s ethics, and other anonymous bloggers, besides Respondent, have spread rumours about Applicant. Applicant has been forced to resign his position prematurely.

WHEREFORE, Applicant demands judgment against defendants, and each of them, for:

  • 1. Compensatory damages according to proof;
  • 2. Punitive damages;
  • 3. Interest as allowed by law;
  • 4. Costs of suit; and
  • 5. Such other and further relief as this court may deem
    just and proper.

Doesn’t that just figure? Sarah Palin sues the entire Internet, making bloggers famous as they start popping up on CNN and Larry King to explain how stupid she is. Me? I get sued by my stupid tree.

I was going to write a Today’s Moron about the squirrel who keeps trying to eat the plastic squeaky carrot my friend’s dog left behind, but I can’t take any more lawsuits.

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Sarah Palin: Bigger Than Michael Jackson

July 6, 2009

So, after I wrote the previous post about Michael Jackson’s image appearing in a California tree, I was outside doing some yard work (I love the weed whacker!) when I noticed something odd in my chestnut tree.

I should backtrack: I have a chestnut tree. It’s one of the last in Ontario, as they were decimated a long time ago. The one in my yard is old, twisted and broken; it has a big hole right through the middle of its trunk, and a lot of its limbs no longer bear leaves. But it yields a solid crop of chesnuts every year. Sometimes I don’t find them all, and when they get all spiky they end up in the bottom of a foot, and someone cries.

Anyway, I was out there today, and I saw something strange: the face of Sarah Palin in the bark.

This makes sense to me. After all, she is the biggest news story in the world right now. And when you think about it, she deserves to be memorialized in the living flesh of my rare tree. She was a young prophet who sprang out of nowhere, was persecuted for her beliefs and made the ultimate sacrifice for the good of mankind. In other words, the GOP picked her out of a hat to run for VP, she got caught lying and being uninformed, and quit her job as governor because people kept pointing those things out.

“… Sarah Palin was an icon to us,” one of Palin’s neighbours told reporters. He didn’t give his name, but said he lived one pillow over.

“To Alaska, Sarah Palin meant more to us than Michael Jackson, to some people. I think they’re both about even,” said someone else, who wanted me to make sure you know he definitely is not Sarah Palin’s dad.

I tried to take a photo of the Palin tree, but my camera kept bursting into flames.

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Michael Jackson: Bigger Than Jesus

July 6, 2009

There’s no denying the late King of Pop had a massive worldwide following. His people stayed with him for years, long after his last hit, long after his controversial trial and acquittal on child molestation charges, long after his first rhinoplastic step into the recesses of extreme body modification. His fans loved him. They still love him. He was the biggest-selling music star in the world last week, and likely to remain so for some time.

But in Stockton, California, he’s bigger than Jesus.

Some people say so. This emerged after a Stockton man, Felix Garcia, reported that an image of Michael Jackson had appeared in the whorls of a tree in his yard. This is no frivolity, like that grilled-cheese sandwich you might have heard about a few years ago. This really is Michael Jackson’s likeness. You’d agree if you could only see past the blurry, indistinct woodiness of the image. And also the delusion.

Once Garcia went public with his discovery — which has apparently been there for 25 years, but wasn’t noticed until Jackson made it back into print — other Stocktonians came forward to discuss Jackson and what he meant to the community. There’s a reason for this: Jackson, whose humanitarian work often goes forgotten, visited Stockton 20 years ago to offer solace after a school shooting. So there’s reason for people to remember him fondly. Here’s a sampling:

“… Michael Jackson was an icon to us,” one of Garcia’s neighbours told reporters.

“To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than Jesus, to some people. I think they’re both about even.”

Other folks say the image in the tree is Jesus. CBS is reporting, too, that some people see The Scarecrow, but whether they mean the Wizard of Oz character or a more generic scarecrow isn’t made clear.

I have studied the images very closely. I used all the high-tech Weather Station photo-analysis software I have here. After careful consideration, I can tell you, with all certainty: It’s a tree.

As much as I want to believe in paranormal phenomena, strange happenings, arcane science and ancient mysteries, I like to think I need a little more, what’s it called, uh, yeah: proof.

Garcia, meanwhile, says he hopes nobody comes and cuts down his tree. I don’t think he has anything to worry about.

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