10 Neato Things We Did Today

I don’t really use this site as a diary very often, but I just wanted to share with everyone for a moment. See, we’ve just had a tremendously great day. It’s a holiday here in Canada, so Elizabeth is off. The kids weren’t here, so it wasn’t as perfect a day as it could have been, but man, it was good.

So here are 10 great things we did. They may sound simple to you. But they offered us a little taste of spring magic, a hint of a great summer to come. Today, we …

1. Hiked an old rail line, looking at birds, listening to bullfrogs …
2. Ate pancakes. Pancakes …
3. Walked across a dam and had to shout to be heard over the rushing, raging river …
4. Saw someone we know (and don’t much like) smooching with a strange woman …
5. Took turns mowing the rather large lawn …
6. Planted new flowers …
7. Ate ice cream cones in a tiny village …
8. Considered buying a hot dog from a cart, but succesfully resisted …
9. Explored an antique store in a barn, which included more old books than I can count, rusting Civil War weapons, vintage tin toys and a Star Trek room …
10. Enjoyed a wonderful dinner, including apple-glazed pork, carrot rice, fresh asparagus and homemade apple pie …

Really, does it get any better? Happy Victoria Day, everyone.

Today’s Morons: Two Russians Looking For A Porcupine

There are a few easy ways to land on the Today’s Moron page. If there is a newspaper article that mentions bad things happening to your genitals because you tried something stupid, it’s a no-brainer for me. You’re in.

I’d like to talk for a moment about Anton and Evgeny, two tourists from St. Petersburg, Russia, who visited Florida this week. They got their hands on a book outlining unusual American laws — this sort of thing, if you want to learn more — and discovered that in Florida, it’s illegal to have sex with a porcupine.

Does that really have to be a law? Really?

Anton and Evgeny, who are in their 30s and whose last names weren’t reported, decided to put that law to the test. After getting smacked on sippin’ whiskey (when in Rome, leave the vodka at home), they headed into the hot, steamy Florida wilds to track, capture and make sweet drunken love to a porcupine.

A porcupine.

The next day, the boys, now slightly sobered up, were treated at Cedars Sinai hospital for some pretty serious injuries to their crotchal areas, as doctors had to remove numerous porcupine quills from their beets and cabbage rolls. If you don’t know how porcupine quills work, read this, then come back and cringe.

The idiots are back in Russia now. What is it with Russians and wildlife? Remember this guy a few weeks ago? Maybe it’s the Tennessee whiskey that makes the varmints seem so attractive. Or maybe people just get stupider when they get to Florida. I know it happened to me, and I have the Speedo pictures to prove it.

I’m going to leave the last word on this to an English online translation from the Russian newspaper Pravda, which sums this all up better than I can: Now American laws do not seem so funny to Anton and Evgeny. After return to Moscow they had to get acquainted with Russian urologists: porcupine needles caused very strong inflammation.”

Since When Is Jenny McCarthy An Expert On Anything?

Ex-Bunny Jenny McCarthy, who is quite famous for murky reasons, has been getting a lot of attention over the past few days. McCarthy’s crusade against vaccination — she blames vaccines for autism — has landed her in newspapers, on blogs and even on Oprah’s radar. She’s written best-selling books about the topic. Now she’s signed a deal with the influential talk-show empress that will no doubt result in anti-vaccination books, TV specials and probably a fragrance.

McCarthy has a son with autism. I sympathize with her for that. But I find it hard to believe that there’s a link between autism and vaccination, especially after the concept has been debunked by medical experts, including actual doctors. But Jenny, with boyfriend Jim Carrey at her side, soldiers forth. She even told Time magazine that people will have to be exposed to things like tetanus, measles, polio and influenza as part of this “adjustment” period.

Just what qualifies Jenny McCarthy to make these pronouncements?

• She went to nursing school, but dropped out.
• The first time you ever saw her, she was probably naked in a magazine. Or so I hear.
• Later, on MTV’s Singled Out, she made a lot of fish-faces. She was replaced by Carmen Electra.
• When she landed her own self-titled sketch comedy show, she picked her nose a lot and made jokes about poo.
• She auditioned for the Charlie’s Angels movie remake, but was turned down. Tom Green was cast, though.
• Her starring role in the movie Dirty Love included a scene in which she is immersed in a vat of bodily fluid.
• She once said this: “My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.”

I worry that Oprah’s influential support will lead parents to think Jenny’s right. That could be a tragedy. It’s not like Oprah hasn’t been fooled by some oddball writer with a weak grip on facts before, right?