I’m going to present today’s episode in script form. I have imagined the dialogue based on news reports, and added some stuff I think is funny. The facts remain the facts as reported by police today in Kansas City. Not the one in Kansas. The other one, with the good barbecue.
SCENE: First Federal Bank, Kansas City. DAY: Thursday. WEATHER: Stupid.
- Allegedly Albert Vincent Perkins: “This is a robbery! Put the money in the sack!”
- Bank Teller: “Why, yes, sir, and don’t forget to try the barbecue down the street! It’s mighty good!”
- Allegedly Albert Vincent Perkins: “I don’t want to hear about no barbecue! Gimme the money!”
- Bank Teller: “Sure, just don’t shoot me!”
- Allegedly Albert Vincent Perkins: “Shoot you? I ain’t got no gun, woman!”
- Bank Teller: “I don’t know whether to believe you or not.”
- Unnamed Female Customer: “I’d believe him.”
- Allegedly Albert Vincent Perkins: “I’m takin’ this sack o’ cash, and don’t none of you try to follow me!”
- Bank Teller No. 2: “Gosh, are you all right?”
- Bank Teller: “I’m fine, but I think that money’s gone for good!”
- Unnamed Female Customer: “Uh, I think he left his wallet on the counter there.”
- Bank Teller No. 2: “Honey, nobody’s that stupid.”
- Unnamed Female Customer: “Trust me. I know what I’m talking about. I work at a university.”
- Bank Teller: “Hey, this is his wallet! Here’s his driver’s licence! And a Wal-Mart coupon! And a buy-five-lap-dances-get-one-free card! Someone call the cops!”
- Bank Teller No. 2: “Not me, honey, I’m getting barbecue.”
Perkins, who is innocent until proven stupid, was arrested Thursday night. Police say he made off with $3,100.