Today’s Moron: Alexander KirilovApril 6, 2009
Today’s Moron is a drunken Russian named Alexander Kirilov, who I’m going to call Sasha, because it’s fun to say out loud.
Sasha ended up in a Moscow hospital a while back with bandages replacing his underwear. He’s probably in a lot of pain after surgeons tried, unsuccessfully, to reattach his little Sasha. In normal cases, I would extend my most sincere sympathy; it’s the right thing to do when someone is recovering from penile reattachment surgery.
But not in this case.
Sasha, 44, lost his perogy when a raccoon bit it off. And the raccoon bit it off because Sasha was trying to … get busy with it.
It seems Sasha and his cronies were getting loaded when the raccoon wandered by.
“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told doctors, as reported in British tabloid called The Sun (so you KNOW it’s true).
I suppose they could have been in a forest or something, but it’s more likely they were in urban Moscow and the raccoon was scrounging for food. I have raccoons here at the Weather Station, but this is kind of rural; when I lived in the downtown area of a large city a few years ago, I had raccoons in my garbage all the time. I just never found them all that attractive.
Sasha did. In classic Today’s Moron fashion, he whipped out his cossack, jumped on the animal and tried to have his way. The raccoon, however, had other ideas, and Sasha ended up in hospital. The raccoon vanished, still chewing.
“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off,” a friend allegedly told The Sun. “That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with.”
Here’s where I stand on this: I am no great fan of raccoons, but I think every animal, no matter how much of a nuisance, has the right to not be sexually assaulted by some drunken loser. And if Sasha has to spend the rest of his life sitting down to whiz, well, so be it.
Picture Sasha’s future for a moment, then listen to ol’ Weathereye’s moral: There are limits to the concept of loving nature, guys. Think about that. Maybe all you other potential animal-insertion-wannabes will learn from this and stick to Internet porn or something.