10 Things I Could Do With The Dead Skunk In My YardApril 4, 2009
We find dead skunks in our yard every summer. We’re not sure why. First of all, you should know that my yard is actually a massive field, half a kilometre deep and a kilometre wide, with forest all around. We have foxes, hawks, deer, wild turkeys, rabbits, squirrels and coyotes. And skunks.
Why they just drop dead is a mystery. Last year’s victim was so far away from the house that it didn’t matter, and we left it to nature. This year’s visitor is a dozen yards behind the garage. And it would appear he or she sprayed like mad before passing on, so the whole area reeks of skunkness.
The plan yesterday was to bury it, as the city will only collect dead animals off city property. But we had the rainstorm to end all rainstorms, so I decided to put if off to today. Of course, today is a blizzard. So I’ll have to wait until later. Meanwhile, here are some of my options.
- Put in the freezer, wait until some more dead skunks show up, and make a coat.
- Perform re-animation experiments in the basement, using parts from the roadkill that’s so common around here, until I have new life: Skunkenstein.
- Pose my vintage G.I. Joe figures around the corpse, rifles raised in triumph.
- Two simple words: Skunk-kebab. That one comes from Kelly.
- Stuff it and mount it in a scary pose. No, that would traumatize my children forever. Hell, it would traumatize me.
- Sell it to The Roadkill Cafe. I am not making that up. I think.
- Rope it off with police tape and stand around in a CSI jacket, holding a camera, waiting for reporters to show up, and watching to see which ones actually run my bullroar in the paper.
- Freeze it in dry ice so it can await a time when the technology exists to bring it back to life.
- Use it to create the world’s creepiest stop-motion animated YouTube video, re-enacting classic Looney Tunes, but with a dead skunk.
- Put it in a Zip-loc bag and mail it to the boss I had in 1989 who called me by racist, and yet still incorrect, slurs: “Hey, I’ll get my little Paki to carry that out for you!” Never liked that guy.