Today’s Moron: Graham J. Nickerson

I used to be a court reporter for a daily newspaper. Every morning, I would hit the courthouse, check the dockets and look for trials that were either of interest to our readers or of importance to the common good. As the newspaper of record, there was a serious social responsibility to document the legal process in order to keep the judicial system open and transparent.

But sometimes, there would be a trial that just made me laugh. One stands out: two brothers broke into an apartment and stole a box of Kraft Dinner, a pound of hamburger and a pot, then went home and made lunch. However, they lived in the next-door apartment, and the victim went over later to smoke dope and recognized her pot. One of the brothers, during the same trial, entered a plea of guilt for stealing one Reebok from a department store, because he had lost one of his own and needed a replacement.

I thought of this because of today’s moron. He’s Graham J. Nickerson, 27, of Cape Sable Island, Nova Scotia. He just admitted his guilt in the stupidest crime of the year.

It seems Graham, a fish factory worker, was out partying last August when he took a shortcut through the forest to get home after an all-nighter. Along the way, he stopped to take a leak and somehow lost his trousers. Alcohol was a definite factor, or did you not need me to even say that?

Anyway, Graham needed something to wear, so he broke into a nearby home, where he found a pair of women’s Depends adult diapers. He put them on, then passed out on the floor.

The homeowner, a 92-year-old woman, came home at 7 a.m. and found him, and fled to a neighbour’s home. Police were called. It is not made clear whether the victim was at the same all-nighter as the perpetrator, but I have to say it is unlikely. The neighbour, meanwhile, checked the house and confirmed the drunken man in diapers was, in fact, there, at which point Graham jumped up, climbed into the man’s car and began babbling like a baby.

“That was the first time I touched alcohol in a long time,” Graham told the judge last week after he was sentenced to 12 months’ probation, a $250 fine and an alcohol ban.

So, let’s examine Graham’s errors here:

• Drinking to excess
• Walking in the forest at night
• Losing his pants
• Breaking into a house
• Stealing clothing
• Choosing an adult diaper to steal
• Not actually leaving the house
• Getting caught

Have you heard of these judges who do creative sentencing? This case screams out for that. If I had been the judge, I would have offered Graham a chance to forego the fine if he agreed to stand on a busy street corner, in an adult diaper, with a sign saying “I Am A Stupid Criminal.” More crooks should be sentenced that way.

Uncle Boom-Boom Sings Whitesnake

Okay, some background: This is my Uncle Boom-Boom, my mother’s younger brother, who has a real name, but when I was a toddler, and for complicated reasons, I called him Boom-Boom. Now I’m 40, he’s 60, and I still call him Boom-Boom.

He’s a solid character. When I was a little kid, he would come to town and spoil me rotten, despite my many hyperactive shenanigans. When I was a teenager, he would let me use his high-rise apartment in Toronto, plus he had a sports car. As adults, we had kids at the same time and shared the joys of modern fatherhood. Also, he used to hang me upside down, tickle me, and there may have been wedgies. This began when I was about 24.

This is why I have no qualms about posting this incredible musical performance, shot by his eldest daughter, and featuring a band with big bad hair. Enjoy.

I like to call this Karaoke Silencio. You may come up with other names for it. But what you’re seeing here is a man making his children laugh, and to me, sports cars and high-rises and wedgies aside, that’s Dadding, and Dadding done right.