Capt. Kirk Disassembled

So, we went to the public library’s warehouse book clearout this afternoon. Not a bad haul, either. Everything was a quarter, so we picked up 39 books … and one Star Trek jigsaw puzzle.

The books are a pretty diverse lot; my 10-year-old son grabbed a pile of books on space, war, early man and other things involving weaponry. My 7-year-old daughter managed to find every book on ponies and puppies, and my 5-year-old stuck to his plan going in: A Batman book. Which he found. Unfortunately, it’s the picture-book story of Batman Returns, which features Danny DeVito’s Penguin in his long underwear. This sparked a lot of 5-year-old potty talk around the coffee table afterward.

The puzzle was for me. Check it out. I remember this; I think I might have had it back when it came out, late 70s or so. Not that I was a big puzzle kid, despite many attempts to stimulate my mental growth via strategic educational gift-giving. I wanted the Micronauts, I got the Micronauts jigsaw puzzle.

Now, though, I think this might be fun for me and the kids to tinker with. It’s only 200 pieces, or so it says … on the side of the box, it says “Over 200 pieces,” which doesn’t inspire my confidence. And the odds are against all the pieces actually being there.

My one question, though, is this: what is this image showing? My daughter asked why there were cupcakes on Star Trek. Look, and you’ll see the cupcake, along with the weird neon cauliflower tree. And what happened to their insignia? And why is Captain Kirk so … dainty? Actually, he looks less like William Shatner and more like a young George W. Bush, which is kind of creepy.

I’ll let you know how this turns out. Meanwhile, here’s another pile of used books; if you live in the UK, you might want to check this out.

Today’s Moron: Mayor Dean Grose

Today’s moron is a small-time bigot who has fallen back on that tired old defence of racism: “I didn’t know it was racist.”

"How YOU doin'?"

Dean Grose, mayor of Los Alamitos, California, has resigned after admitting he forwarded a racist email about Barack Obama. The image reportedly showed watermelons planted on the White House lawn, along with a sign reading “No Easter Egg Hunt This Year.” Grose thought this was so funny he sent it along.

Now he says he didn’t know there was any racism-related link between watermelons and African-Americans. Seriously. He’s never heard that one before. I guess he wasn’t paying attention during Black History Month, which kind of just happened.

Wait, it gets better. Here’s his actual explanation: “There is no way that I meant anything racist in my email,” he said in a statement. “I was merely criticizing Obama’s fiscal plan, which is so horrendous that it’s almost as if it were written by watermelons.”

Yeah. That makes complete sense. When I hear about something I don’t like, I automatically assume it must have been … written by watermelons. And I’m not even mayor of my own house.

The only conclusion I can reach is that Grose’s statement must have been written by watermelons. Or maybe a banana. Or … wait, of course! It was written by a moron.

Meanwhile, Grose says he’ll stay on city council even after quitting as mayor Monday. Yay.

I Have No Use For U2

Twenty-five years after I first heard their whining, derivative, over-jangled stupid music, I continue to think of U2 as the ultimate over-hyped modern rock band. I mean, when Larry Mullen Jr. was named Best Drummer by Rolling Stone readers in 1987, I had to cry “crap” as loudly as I could.

Good to see I’m not alone. Twitter is abuzz tonight with I Hate U2 comments, and I’m seeing more and more of it out there.

So here’s what I propose: a special edition of the Big Bad Hair podcast, with various points of view woven in. Whether you want to defend U2′s musical legacy or join me in laughing at Bono’s stupid sunglasses, I want to hear from you. Send me an audio clip if you’re able, or just an email; I’ll read them on the show. And if anyone wants to co-host the episode, I’m always happy to have a friend on board.

You can email the show at bigbadhair@post.com, or contact me via this site.

Today’s Moron: Jason Leroy Savage

Hey baby, I’m a-named Jason Leroy, but you can call me Leroy. My’s, you’s a fine-looking piece of equipment, yes indeed. You all round and shiny! You got such a long, ribbed hose, and a big fat nozzle … I like it when the ends o’ the nozzle is a bit dirty, y’all.

Here, baby, lemme just … yeah, you knows what I’s talkin’ about, sweet mamacita. Mmmm. Yeah.

Jason Leroy Savage: The only non-Canadian who can legitimately call himself a 'hoser.'

Uh, I can’t carry this on any further. It makes me feel like I should be writing for Family Guy or something.

This guy to the left here, Jason Leroy Savage, is 29. He was caught back in October doing something … wrong with the outdoor vacuum machine at a car wash in a place called Thomas Township, near Detroit, Michigan.

You know, they say Detroit is the Motor City, and they really, really love their cars there … I guess that’s true. It looks like they love their car-cleaning equipment, too. In a big way ..

Savage was charged with performing a sexual act with the vacuum cleaner. Someone saw him out in the parking lot, pants down … I don’t want to get any further into it, but I guess he did. Oh, wait, there’s that Family Guy crap again. Sorry. Back to the serious journalism.

He pleaded no contest, which in American legalese means “I did it, I ain’t admittin’ to it, but I’ll take my lumps.”

He’ll be sentenced next month.

Reached for comment, the vacuum cleaner told reporters “I don’t care what happens to him. It’s not like he ever calls or anything.”

Meanwhile, the court denied Savage’s request for conjugal visits with a Dustbuster from the maintenance closet.

Update: The sentencing happened today.

Twenty Things I Have Been Paid To Do

Someday, all this will be yours.

Two months into unemployment, and it’s becoming clear to me that the job market has changed since the last time I looked for work. Back then, I had my pick of places to work. Now, not so much. But this has helped me remember some of the things I have done for money in the past. I’ve updated it a day later, because I remembered some other stuff I’ve done.

1. Cook. I have worked at McDonalds, Burger King, two pizza places and Red Lobster. It wasn’t for me. I was fired from the golden arches, and had to be removed from Red Lobster by ambulance because, hey, I’m allergic to shellfish, who knew? BK was a lot of fun, though, and I still maintain friends from those days. But there was a lot of polyester.
2. Tend bar. I’ve never worked in an actual bar for more than a fill-in shift here and there, but I did weddings for a year and that was kind of fun. No cocktails, no mixing, no cash … just take tickets, open one of three kinds of beer, and pour shots into little plastic glasses. And when people got too drunk, there was always an embarassed relative there to help them home.
3. Type. I worked a summer typing classified ads for a weekly newspaper, back in the linotype days. I liked it, but I wondered for a long time why there were so many cottages available on “Lake Frontage.”
4. Write. I was paid $20 to review a Red Rider concert for the local daily, and that was the beginning of it all. This was the first time I was paid to do something I liked, and I kept doing it for decades afterward. I’m still doing it, just not being paid.
5. Teach. I’ve picked up the odd buck as a temporary instructor, but it wasn’t for me. Well, the high school kids were the issue. Teaching college-level journalism, though, was fun and interesting, especially the mornings after cheap beer night.
6. Sell. I have sold advertising space, men’s clothing, work boots, jeans, Rolex and Gucci watches, diamond engagement rings, china and $300 pens. You haven’t lived ’til you’ve spent a weekend at a seminar aimed at the different kinds of soles used in work boots.
7. Wait tables. You’ve done it, too. It’s the most honest work on the planet. But I don’t want to do it again.
8. Learn. I was paid to go through gemology school. You can’t argue with that. Now I know about gold and jewels and other shiny stuff.
9. Telemarketing. This coupon-book business operated out of a hotel room, and the guy skipped without paying us. I should have known something was up when I noticed he had a clip-on ponytail.
10. Critique. Music was my primary focus, but I’ve been paid to sound like I know something about TV, movies and theatre, too.
11. Draw. I did illustrations for a magazine, pen and ink stuff, very simple drawings, but fun.
12. Make music. I don’t know why anyone thought I qualified as a musician, but I have actually, on stupid occasions, been paid to create sounds that could be called music. Actually, it was called other things.
13. Manage. I’ve been a manager and supervisor in retail stores and newspapers, and it’s really rewarding. I enjoy leading, and learning from, people with different experiences than my own. Also, I got to wear a tie.
14. Record Librarian. This was a weird job that involved sitting in a room filled with LP records, doling them out to radio producers who wanted “that album with the guy who sang that song, you know the one, it has that part in it …” Meanwhile, I was making mixed tapes. It was the 80s. It’s what we did.
15. Design. I have created advertisements, newspaper pages, posters, church newsletters, business cards and more. Not saying it was all that good. But it bought at least three Arby’s combos.
16. Talk. I’ve mentioned my brief, failed exploration of radio broadcasting before. Things have gotten better since I dumped the scripts and had sinus surgery.
17. Babysit. Probably my first job, looking back. This involved sitting on people’s sofas and watching television while children I never actually saw slept upstairs. I probably made five bucks a night, which was a lot of comics three decades ago.
18. Make comics. This is probably the most fun I ever had. I wrote and storyboarded a series called Unknown Forces, which was published nationally and read by about six people in the early 1990s. Another artist did the pencils, and I tweaked the end result. It was about a secret network of telepaths, and, ultimately, not very good.
19. Drive limousine. Don’t ask about this one. I try to forget it, especially after the incident with the newlyweds, the broken sunroof and the rainstorm.
20. Edit. I’ve edited books, short stories, newspaper stories, audio files … ultimately, editing is cool because you get to have the final say on something. Like right now.

Star Trek: Titanic

There are no words to describe this.

This guy’s YouTube channel is TitanicWHV. I landed there while looking for clips from Raise the Titanic, because that earlier Cussler post got me thinking about that megasuck movie, and this is what I found. Now I don’t know what to do with myself.