Star Trek vs. Chipmunks

Kirk, Spock and McCoy are a well-known crew, three amigos on a five-year mission into deepest space. Alvin, Simon and Theodore are three chipmunk brothers who sing on novelty records. I know. It’s hard to tell these trios apart.

Compare, for instance, their visual aspects:

See? The leaders both have golden A-shaped logos on their shirts! And both are flanked by a tall, thin intellectual in blue and a … uh … another guy in a shirt.

Both began life as classic 60s cult favourites, and live on to this day in varied forms. And, hey, both have three guys. I can’t get over this! It’s amazing how much alike they are.

I sense you don’t quite see it. Maybe this will tickle your phaser: In an all-out Star Trek/Chipmunks brawl, who comes out on top? Let’s match them up:

History:

• Chipmunks: Alvin and the Chipmunks were created by a working stiff musician who speeded up his own voice and became a smash novelty success. His only prior hit was a tune called Witch Doctor. And he did nothing else of note afterward, just kept churning out new iterations of his one big hit.
• Star Trek: Star Trek was created by a working stiff writer who speeded up his own love life and became a smash science fiction success. His only prior hit was a TV show called The Lieutenant. And he did nothing else of note afterward, just kept churning out new iterations of his one big hit.
• Winner: Star Trek, because there were better parties at that studio in the 60s.

Latest Work

• Chipmunks: A CGI-animated film that made parents cringe, but caused children everywhere to rise up in joy, with plenty of toy tie-ins.
• Star Trek: A pending “relaunch” movie that made purists cringe, but caused geeks everywhere to rise up in joy, with plenty of toy tie-ins.
• Winner: Chipmunks. Everyone knows who Alvin is. Few people recognize Chris Pine.

Best Ship

• Chipmunks: Skateboards and sometimes a cartoon station wagon.
• Star Trek: USS Enterprise.
• Winner: Star Trek, and if I have to tell you why, you shouldn’t be here.
  

Top Dog

• Chipmunks: Dave, the Chipmunks’ “father” (and that isn’t all that creepy) and also their manager.
• Star Trek: Commodore Decker, who flies his ship into a giant space monster that eats it.
• Winner: Dave. He made a fortune off these little twerps. Decker just died.
  

Best Enemy

• Chipmunks: Music fans everywhere.
• Star Trek: Khan.
• Winner: Chipmunks. Khan was awesome, terrifying and powerful, but he was too easily fooled. Music fans are smarter, because they made Creed a success, and that takes some serious trickery.
  

Best Third Guy

• Chipmunks: Theodore, a moron.
• Star Trek: Dr. McCoy, a doctor.
• Winner: Star Trek, because doctors are better than morons (unless you have a moron doctor, in which case, sorry about your prescription pill problem.)

Best Second-in-Command

• Chipmunks: Simon, a highly knowledgeable ally whose calm demeanour and love of logic helps bail Alvin out time and again.
• Star Trek: Spock, a highly knowledgeable ally whose calm demeanour and love of logic helps bail Kirk out time and again, unless he’s mating, which means he’ll try to kill him.
• Winner: Simon. Chipmunks don’t do much damage when they’re in heat.

Best Leader

• Chipmunks: Alvin, a diminutive wiseass who gets by on charm while constantly endangering his companions by refusing to use his head.
• Star Trek: Kirk, a diminutive wiseass who gets by on charm while constantly endangering his companions by refusing to use his head. Also, he scores with a lot of girls.
• Winner: Kirk by a g-string.

Overall Winner: Star Trek. No, not because I’m a fan. Because Alvin and the Chipmunks are imaginary, and Kirk, Spock and McCoy are real guys. Other than that, it was a tie.

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