Lost: Kate Austen

(Indulge me. As we near the Season 5 premiere of Lost, I’m going to run through the current crop of main characters. There are spoilers.)

She’s the leading lady of Lost, a tough fugitive killer whose pixie looks belie her iron spirit. From day one, she has been part of Lost‘s A-Team: good with a gun, fast, smart, an expert tracker, a reliable resource as the castaways struggled to survive.

The character of Kate was, at one point, intended to be the leader of the castaways. In the original Lost concept, the Jack character, the group’s doctor, was to die in the cockpit halfway through the pilot, and Kate was to assume leadership of the group. This version of Kate, though, was a middle-aged woman whose husband had gone to the bathroom just before the crash, leading to a subplot about whether he was still alive elsewhere on the island. Sound familiar?

After the decision to keep Jack aboard was made (known as the Michael Keaton Memo), Kate’s character was retooled, and once Evangeline Lilly (a Canadian) was hired, the character of Kate took shape. And that original concept was transferred to Rose and Bernard, popular supporting characters to this day.

Kate’s been through it all over the past four seasons: plane crash, kidnappings, chases, killings, waterfall swims with Sawyer, a love triangle … wait, is this a soap opera? Kind of, when Kate’s onscreen.

When last we saw her, she was one of the Oceanic 6, raising Claire’s baby as her own back in Los Angeles, and estranged from Jack and the others.

Highlights

• Taking the gun from Sawyer in the pilot, then stripping it and giving Sawyer and Sayid each a part. That defined her right there.
• That whole sequence on the beach, wearing a dress, eating breakfast with Ben.
• Her flashbacks are among the most compelling, telling a tale of domestic woe and last resorts.
• She met the mother of Sawyer’s kid! That’s Lost for you.
• She’s Canadian. Well, the actress is. It still counts.

Problems

• Why did she agree to go back to civilization? Knowing she faced a criminal sentence? What the … ?
• She is monstrously unattractive.

Star Trek vs. Chipmunks

Kirk, Spock and McCoy are a well-known crew, three amigos on a five-year mission into deepest space. Alvin, Simon and Theodore are three chipmunk brothers who sing on novelty records. I know. It’s hard to tell these trios apart.

Compare, for instance, their visual aspects:

See? The leaders both have golden A-shaped logos on their shirts! And both are flanked by a tall, thin intellectual in blue and a … uh … another guy in a shirt.

Both began life as classic 60s cult favourites, and live on to this day in varied forms. And, hey, both have three guys. I can’t get over this! It’s amazing how much alike they are.

I sense you don’t quite see it. Maybe this will tickle your phaser: In an all-out Star Trek/Chipmunks brawl, who comes out on top? Let’s match them up:

History:

• Chipmunks: Alvin and the Chipmunks were created by a working stiff musician who speeded up his own voice and became a smash novelty success. His only prior hit was a tune called Witch Doctor. And he did nothing else of note afterward, just kept churning out new iterations of his one big hit.
• Star Trek: Star Trek was created by a working stiff writer who speeded up his own love life and became a smash science fiction success. His only prior hit was a TV show called The Lieutenant. And he did nothing else of note afterward, just kept churning out new iterations of his one big hit.
• Winner: Star Trek, because there were better parties at that studio in the 60s.

Latest Work

• Chipmunks: A CGI-animated film that made parents cringe, but caused children everywhere to rise up in joy, with plenty of toy tie-ins.
• Star Trek: A pending “relaunch” movie that made purists cringe, but caused geeks everywhere to rise up in joy, with plenty of toy tie-ins.
• Winner: Chipmunks. Everyone knows who Alvin is. Few people recognize Chris Pine.

Best Ship

• Chipmunks: Skateboards and sometimes a cartoon station wagon.
• Star Trek: USS Enterprise.
• Winner: Star Trek, and if I have to tell you why, you shouldn’t be here.
  

Top Dog

• Chipmunks: Dave, the Chipmunks’ “father” (and that isn’t all that creepy) and also their manager.
• Star Trek: Commodore Decker, who flies his ship into a giant space monster that eats it.
• Winner: Dave. He made a fortune off these little twerps. Decker just died.
  

Best Enemy

• Chipmunks: Music fans everywhere.
• Star Trek: Khan.
• Winner: Chipmunks. Khan was awesome, terrifying and powerful, but he was too easily fooled. Music fans are smarter, because they made Creed a success, and that takes some serious trickery.
  

Best Third Guy

• Chipmunks: Theodore, a moron.
• Star Trek: Dr. McCoy, a doctor.
• Winner: Star Trek, because doctors are better than morons (unless you have a moron doctor, in which case, sorry about your prescription pill problem.)

Best Second-in-Command

• Chipmunks: Simon, a highly knowledgeable ally whose calm demeanour and love of logic helps bail Alvin out time and again.
• Star Trek: Spock, a highly knowledgeable ally whose calm demeanour and love of logic helps bail Kirk out time and again, unless he’s mating, which means he’ll try to kill him.
• Winner: Simon. Chipmunks don’t do much damage when they’re in heat.

Best Leader

• Chipmunks: Alvin, a diminutive wiseass who gets by on charm while constantly endangering his companions by refusing to use his head.
• Star Trek: Kirk, a diminutive wiseass who gets by on charm while constantly endangering his companions by refusing to use his head. Also, he scores with a lot of girls.
• Winner: Kirk by a g-string.

Overall Winner: Star Trek. No, not because I’m a fan. Because Alvin and the Chipmunks are imaginary, and Kirk, Spock and McCoy are real guys. Other than that, it was a tie.