RIP Eartha Kitt

Such a loss. I don’t have the words to talk about the contribution this gorgeous, gorgeous woman made to the world. She was a queen.

This is fitting, today being today:

She was a singer, an actress, a diva, a star, a legend. And also the best Catwoman of all time. Thanks, Eartha Kitt. We’ll miss you.

10 Ways I Am Like Obama

The resemblance is remarkable.

I’ve mentioned this before. The president-elect of the United States is a lot like me. So much so, in fact, that I was in the grocery store the other day and a little girl cried “Look, Mommy, it’s Obama!” She was pointing at a magazine cover, but it was clear she was inspired by my presence in the express lane, holding cheese, asparagus and a frozen pizza I later hid in the bottom of the freezer.

This got me thinking, and I finally realized I am a lot like Obama. Sure, there are the surface details — we’re both sons of African-origin fathers and white mothers, we’re both in our 40s, we’re both, uh, men. We both have all our hair. And, of course, we’re both, at this exact moment, technically, jobless. But it goes beyond that. Check this out:

1. Obama is rumoured to like Star Trek and comic books. I like Star Trek and comic books! We’re off to a good start.
2. Obama likes to listen to the Rolling Stones. So do I! His favourite of their songs is Gimme Shelter. That’s my favourite, too! He also likes Stevie Wonder! I told those bad Stevie Wonder jokes in the 1980s! This is eerie!
3. Obama spends at least 45 minutes a day at the gym, working out. I used to work with a guy named Jim. Astonishing!
4. Obama was famously photographed this week at the beach, shirtless, showing off his extremely fit physique and rippling abs. I also have rippling abs, and I also have a really flexible definition of the word “rippling.”
5. Obama is an author whose books have topped bestseller charts and made him a millionaire. I am a blogger whose posts sometimes get six visitors a day, and I will soon be a millionaire (just looking for that one lucky scratch ticket).
6. Obama started off the presidential race as a longshot, but triumphed through hard work, discipline and a steadily adhered-to policy of taking the moral high road whenever he could. I watched it all on TV. What a shocking coincidence!
7. Obama left Hillary Clinton in the dust. I was once given an inflatable Monica Lewinsky doll as a gag gift. Wow!
8. Obama ate John McCain for breakfast. I ate McCain hash browns for breakfast. What are the odds?
9. Obama is so in-demand right now that leaders from across the planet are clamouring for a moment of his time. I get spam and scams from Nigeria, Bulgaria AND Jamaica. That’s just a spooky coincidence.
10. Obama is about to become the most powerful human being on the planet. I am the most powerful human being in my basement … at least, until Mrs. Weathereye comes home.

So there you have it. Two men, separated by distance, together in their hearts. Counterparts, a border dividing them but a common life uniting them. Me. Obama.

Maybe I should run for the school board.

Fox Scores Watchmen Win

This was all supposed to go to trial in January, but on Christmas Eve, a California judge suddenly decided that Fox does, in fact, own a piece of the new Watchmen movie.

This is all very complicated. Basically, Fox bought the rights to the award-winning comic book back in the 1980s, but did nothing about it. Producer Lawrence Gordon was attached at Fox, and after things fell apart, he shopped Nite Owl, Silk Spectre, Rorschach and Ozymandias around Hollywood for almost two decades before Warner signed on. The movie was made and is due for release in the new year.

Except: Fox cried foul, saying it still owned the rights. The case threatened to put the movie’s release on hold, but this surprise announcement from Judge Gary A. Feess might mean the film will come out on time.

“Fox owns a copyright interest consisting of, at the very least, the right to distribute the Watchmen motion picture,” the ruling said. Feess also said a more detailed ruling will be released soon.

I never really expected this movie to be shut out of cinemas. Hollywood does not spend this kind of coin on this high-profile a project just to say “Oops, let’s lock it up in the closet.” No, it’s clear that no matter how this plays out, this film will be released; it’s just the who-gets-paid-how-much that has to be decided.

And A Beer In A Tree

This is a holiday tradition in Canada. Enjoy.

10 Examples of George Bailey Being A Jerk

I know you probably love It’s A Wonderful Life. I know it’s probably part of your family Christmas tradition or something. You’re supposed to love it. We’ve been told since childhood that it’s a wonderful slice of Capra-fuelled Americana, a holiday tale of love, fidelity and redemption, or something.

Bullshit.

We just watched it, yet again, on a quiet Christmas Eve. Rather, Mrs. Weathereye watched it. I endured it. Man, I hate this movie. My problem with it is a simple one, and there will be spoilers here, so if you’ve never seen it, congratulations, Merry Christmas and let’s be best friends. Anyway, my problem with the movie is this: George Bailey is an asshole.

He isn’t supposed to be. The main character, played by Jimmy Stewart doing a pretty good Jimmy Stewart impression, is supposed to be this pillar of the community, the devoted son, brother, husband, friend, employer and high-risk mortgage broker, the hero of Bedford Falls, blah blah blah.

Except he isn’t. He’s quite a terrible person, in fact. After watching this movie for the eleventy-third time, I can now establish, conclusively, that George was a nasty, selfish, whiny, brutish jerk. It’s clear throughout the film; he’s cocky, mouthy, obnoxious and disrespectful, and has a tendency toward violent physical response.

My evidence:

1. He throws rocks at the windows of a vacant house.
2. When he can’t open someone’s gate, he kicks it until it gives.
3. Sex pervert alert: despite her clear protestations, George forces his Jimmy Stewart lips on a woman while she’s on the phone with another guy.
4. Trouble at work leads George to insult, berate and torment his children and scream at his wife.
5. Superdad: “You call this a happy family? Why do we have to have all these kids?” The movie doesn’t mention it, but all four Bailey kids grew up to be criminals, addicts, deviants and/or assholes.
6. This is what George tells his weeping uncle, a simpleton who’s lost the business deposit: “Where’s that money, you silly stupid old fool? Where’s that money? Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison. That’s what it means. One of us is going to jail — well, it’s not gonna be me!” Sweet, eh?
7. With children crying, wife concerned, the DA waiting to lay charges and his business about to sink into the snow, George goes to a bar and gets loaded.
8. Then he drives drunk, crashes his car into the oldest tree in town, and disses the tree owner as he staggers away.
9. Bert the cop tries to stop him from running wild, so George decks him. Yeah. George punches out the cop.
10. When a teenaged girl suddenly finds herself naked and hiding in the bushes, he teases her and hints that he’ll sell tickets so policemen can come and see her business.

So. With all this example of dickery on the part of George Bailey, I find the whole point of the movie — that he’s this wonderful person who affected so many lives, whose very existence was a beacon of goodness and purity — to be completely wrong. It’s false. He’s a bitter, jaded, uneducated small-town schlub who keep sulking about how he didn’t get to put stickers on his suitcase. The story doesn’t hold water. And the idea that this is uplifting and inspiring falls flat.

In the end, Wendell Jamieson of the New York Times said it best, and echoes my feelings exactly: “It’s A Wonderful Life is a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams, of seeing your father driven to the grave before his time, of living among bitter, small-minded people. It is a story of being trapped, of compromising, of watching others move ahead and away, of becoming so filled with rage that you verbally abuse your children, their teacher and your oppressively perfect wife.”

Merry Christmas.