So, I’m unemployed. And I’m unemployed as part of one of the biggest across-the-land workforce reductions in Canadian newspaper history, which means the odds of me finding another job editing or reporting are pretty slim. As things stand now, nobody’s hiring.
But that’s okay.
I needed a change. I was getting complacent. I’ve spent 20 years in newspapers — actually, more than that, as my mother was an editor/publisher, so I’ve pretty much spent my whole life stained with ink and smelling of hot wax. I’m ready to try something new.
In a perfect world, I would draw a paycheque for blogging, podcasting and making smart remarks on web forums. That isn’t going to happen. So here are 10 jobs I could actually do, some of which I have already applied for.
- Freelance web writer: Like blogging, only with actual facts and things like that. A lot of sites will pay me to write for them, once I get my foot in the door. And as I am quick and prolific, I could really make some money doing this.
- Graphic designer: I would have to do a little retraining, as my skills have fallen a bit behind (actually, way, way behind … I started off with X-Acto knives, pencils and wax before discovering PageMaker).
- Standup comic: Oh, you know it would work. I am very funny. Just ask my Mom.
- Jeweller: I am a licensed gemologist, although I suspect that certification has lapsed because (a) I earned it through correspondence school while working for Birks in 1987 and (b) I just tried to remember some of it and couldn’t. I know the diamonds are the sparkly white ones.
- Bartender: I’ve done this. I didn’t like it. But once in a while you get one of those $250-tip nights, and you know it’s all worth it. Plus, you get to see the very best in people.
- Harlequin Romance editor: I could also moonlight with advice for the lovelorn, based on things I learned from the book: “Women like it when you call it your ‘sword of love.’”
- Creative consultant: I don’t really know what this is, but a lot of other journalists who get canned start calling themselves this on business cards they printed on a bubblejet, so it must be good.
- Martial arts instructor: I could be a mysterious new sensei with a radical kind of kali knife fighting that looks like I’m making it up on the spot, but really comes from a long, but secret, tradition. It really does.
- Telemarketer: Because I have no pride, and I already have the stupid headset.
- Batman: I do have some hockey gear. I could buy some black spraypaint for it, get a cape, patrol the downtown … the minivan looks like a Tumbler, in the right light, and at the right angle. It really does.
Ah, well. I’ll just get through Christmas and let you know how things turn out.