Archive for October 29th, 2008

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Shamans For Obama

October 29, 2008

Well, if Barack Obama hasn’t quite drummed up enough support yet, here’s word out of Peru that the South American country’s indigenous shamans have held a mystic ceremony and chosen Obama as their presidential pick. Because, you know, the U.S. president holds a lot of sway over these mountain magicians.

After indulging their visionary powers, here’s what a couple of them had to say:

Obama is growing stronger, I’ve seen that he has the spiritual support of Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy to protect him,” Juan Osco, president of the Apus-Inka healers association, told The Associated Press. “He’s going to win.”

“Obama will win and he will change history … he is going to help all the Latinos living in the United States,” said Mary Gomez, a healer from the city of Chiclayo.

Now, I know I tend to be pretty sarcastic here at Weather Station 1. Not this time, though. As a person of indigenous background, I have nothing but respect for old earth faiths. In fact, after reading as much as I can tonight about these shamans of Peru, I think they’re on to something.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to just leave elections in their hands? They have no vested interest, and rely on their ancient methods: They chant and burn special wood before rubbing ashes over posters of the candidates, thereby generating the visions they need to make their choice.

Whether you live in the U.S., Canada, the U.K. France or Australia, you have to admit this sounds as sensible as anything we do. They’re practising ancient rituals dating back thousands of years, passed down orally from father to daughter, mother to son, never written down … still, it’s probably easier to master than the electoral college system.

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Today’s Moron: John Daly

October 29, 2008

Today’s Moron is golf pro John Daly, who was arrested Sunday, allegedly for being drunk at a Hooters in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. The facts:

  1. A big incoherent man was at Hooters
  2. He was misbehaving and wouldn’t leave when asked
  3. He eventually collapsed and an ambulance was called
  4. Paramedics tried to revive him, at which point someone said ‘hey, this asshole looks like John Daly.’
  5. There was some puke.

Police were called and took John Daly into custody. He spent 24 hours in the drunk tank, sobering up  … how much did this guy have to drink if it took 24 hours to get sober? Let me do the math here, wait … okay, the answer is “gallons.”

I don’t know much about golf, and I’m only peripherally aware of who John Daly is, but I do know this nugget of sage wisdom I learned in college: ‘Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.’ Well, maybe it wasn’t actually in college.

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Things You Actually Probably Did Know About Skinheads

October 29, 2008

So, those two skinheads the ATF says were plotting to kill Obama were likely just too stupid to ever pull it off. That’s from Mark Potok, director of the Southern Poverty Law Center, which spends a lot of time studying how these racist types think.

Did you know racist skinheads are, for the most part, stupid? I sort of had that idea. I’ve always suspected that the smart racists basically don’t advertise it with tattooes, shaved heads and chalked-on slogans.

More details of the alleged crime-spree plot of Paul Schlesselman and Daniel Cowart merged today, a day after their arrest. We already knew they wanted to kill a bunch of black people before embarking on their mighty holy whatever against Barack Obama, which would have involved wearing matching white tuxedos or something stupid like that.

“Certainly these men have some frightening weapons and some very frightening plans,” Potok told the AP. “But with the part about wearing top hats … it gets a bit hard to take them seriously.”

It is hard, even more so after you see their photos. Now it comes out exactly how the plot was foiled.

First of all, we now know that two alleged idiots met online about a month ago, probably at some website where they could discuss their shared love of Hitler, guns, tattooes and lipstick. Then they allegedly cooked up the plan, which led to a few aborted attempts at home invasions as they tried to score financing for their crusade.

When that didn’t work out, they did the next best thing: they shot out a church window. And then, of course, bragged about it. Police went looking for two alleged white supremacists with firearms and spotted Schlesselman and Cowart driving around in a beat-up southern cracker car adorned with swastikas and Nazi slogans written, uh, in chalk. In the South, you’re a proud Nazi as long as it doesn’t rain, I guess.

You know the rest. They were busted, the story came out, etc. I’ve already made the jokes about pretty young boys in prison, so I’ll leave that be.

I know there are some scary people out there who think the way these two morons do, and I know they’re nowhere near as stupid. And I know there are plots like this being cooked up every day.

I’m just glad someone is watching them.