Talk show talking head Matt Lauer was the subject of a star-packed Friars Club roast yesterday. Tom Cruise reportedly rocked the place, and he’s getting a lot of attention for it – despite the ban on recording devices. No, reporters aren’t usually welcome at these things, so it’s up to bloggers to spread the word. Why aren’t reporters invited? Maybe it’s because of the nature of the humour. The whole point of the event is to one-up the previous speaker’s insults. So it gets pretty cutting, although humour is always the objective. Sometimes things go too far, though; Gilbert Gottfried said some things I suggest you don’t even try to google, except now you will.
Here are 10 of the standout lines:
- “Juice. Look, if those guys got your shit in Vegas… don’t be a pussy, just go up to that hotel now and take it. Trust me, Juice, people will love you for it.” This is what Tom Cruise said Lauer told O.J. Simpson.
- “Can you stay? We can get you a booster seat.” Lauer to Cruise in return.
- “Do what I’m doing, Matt. Come into the Dark Side. My next wife hasn’t even been born yet.” Divorced Bob Saget to married Lauer, both in their 50s.
- “There are three things Matt and Sarah Palin have in common. They each spent $150,000 on clothes in a single season. They were both screwed over by Katie Couric. And both wear women’s jeans.” Al Roker.
- “Thanks, Al. It was great to see you this morning in spandex, as it’s always great to see your vagina.” NBC’s Brian Williams, introduced by Roker.
- “People say he’s so prim and proper, like he’s got a stick up his ass. It’s not a stick, my friends, it’s Al Roker’s dick.” Meredith Viera on Lauer.
- “When they did my colonoscopy live on TV, they found Matt’s head.” Katie Couric
- “(The Friars) guaranteed me that nothing I said would be seen or heard, so I feel like I’m anchoring the CBS news.” Lauer
- “There was the time Matt stayed for a while at Bryant’s house. That must have been exciting. Two white guys talking golf.” NBC CEO Jeff Zucker.
- “Oh my God, I almost invited my mother.” Lauer
Someday I hope someone throws me a roast. Wait, no I don’t.