Five Things Sarah Palin Thinks the VP Does

You’ve probably heard the latest Sarah Palin fuckup: She isn’t quite sure exactly what it is the vice-president of the United States does.

Palin was talking to KUSA-TV in Denver, which included a segment called “Question from the Third Grade.” So the anchor asked Palin: “Brandon Garcia wants to know, ‘What does the vice-president do?”’

Palin’s answer: “That’s a great question, Brandon … they’re in charge of the United States Senate, so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom.”

Uh, no.

While the VP does hold the ceremonial role of head of the senate, there’s no actual authority there. The VP does not in any way “run” things or set policy. This is just stupid, up there with “Alaska is beside Russia, so I know all about foreign policy” or whatever it was she said. No, the VP has several duties, most of which are ceremonial, because the VP’s only real job is to wait around in case the president dies. Morbid, but true.

Anyway, I read what Palin had to say, and my stupid imagination started going, which led to this: Five Things Sarah Palin Might Also Think the VP Does:

• Acting President: “When John McCain is off bein’ a maverick in some other country, like England or Afghanistan or New Mexico, I become president.”
• Commander-in-Chief of the Navy: “The president is commander-in-chief of the Army, and I would be in charge of the second-best soldiers, the Navy.”
• Ambassador to Russia: “You can’t just send any old diplomat over there to talk to that Putin. You need someone who knows the northern waters, someone who can talk the tough talk with them Russians. Plus I can get there by skidoo from my house.”
• Mayor of Washington: “Few people realize that the vice-president is also the mayor of Washington, DC, which is a city that is not in any state and therefore a state of its own, and as you know I am a governor of a state, and I used to be a mayor, so that’s it right there.”
• Governor of Canada: “Part of the vice-president’s job is to be in charge of those places that aren’t quite states yet, you know, like Porto Rico, the Virgin Islands and Canada.”

Meanwhile, Palin, who couldn’t name anything she’d read recently when asked by Katie Couric, tells People Magazine this week that she is indeed an intellectual, and also that she’d like to name a child “Zamboni.” A Zamboni is the machine that cleans the ice at a hockey rink. Good one.

Sarah Palin’s no intellectual, folks. Well, maybe to People readers.

Top 10 Names For Toronto’s New Hockey Team

So, IF the NHL decides to expand into Toronto with a second team, and IF that team goes to BlackBerrier Jim Balsillie, and IF the powers that be decide to go with a stupid kind of name, here are my 10 ideas for a team name:

The Toronto Toros. This was the name of the WHA team in the 70s, which sucked, but had a decent name and a good logo. Colours: Bullfighter red and white, like the flag.

The Toronto Tornado. Because in the 1950s, Toronto was hit by a rare Great Lakes hurricane, named Hurricane Hazel … no, I think naming sports teams after disasters is wrong. Colours: Black on grey, like the weather.

The Toronto Cannons. Why? Okay, this is kind of obscure, but during the War of 1812, Toronto was a key naval base, sending ships out to fire cannons at American vessels. So the colours would be gunship grey and smoke black, and also, remember, that Canada won that war.

The Ontario Voyageurs. Because something is always called Voyageurs here, and I don’t really know why. Colours: Blue and white, for the water and the waves. I know, but they teach us this shit in school.

The Ontario Capitols. Yeah, there’s a team called The Washington Capitals, but this is spelled differently. If the CFL can have a team called the Rough Riders and a team called the Roughriders, the NHL can have two sets of Caps. Colours: Red, white and blue, just because.

The Toronto Storm. It’s the new BlackBerry, after all. And it’s a good name. The OHL has a Guelph Storm, and I think one of the American minor leagues has a Storm, too. Colours: Black, with touchscreen jersey.

The Toronto Bold. Same idea. RIM will work a product placement in there somewhere. Colours: Black with fake leather down the back.

The Toronto Curve. I thought this up as a joke, but it actually makes sense as a hockey team name. The curve of the stick is a defining element of a player’s shot, after all. Colours: Red and white, because it’s patriotic, and wrist shots are cool.

The Toronto Pearls. This is the point where you say ‘Enough with the stupid RIM names. No, it didn’t work out for the Mighty Ducks, so please do not name our team after your dumbest product.’ Colours: Pale pink and silver.

The Toronto Balsillies. No, don’t laugh. Say it out loud. See? It’s the best last name ever, and it’s as good a team name as anything out there. Colours: Whatever Jim says they’ll be.

Today’s Moron: Tracy, Who Just Might Be a Bigot

Today’s Moron is this wonderful example of Americana:

Stupid, intolerant and racist is no way to go through life, ma’am.