Zeppelin Returns

‘Valhalla, I am coming …’

Robert Plant has agreed to lace up his tight pants for a summer tour with Led Zeppelin. He’ll join Jimmy Page (who rocked China at the Olympic closer), John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham as the thunderheaded gods of rock step out for the first time in decades.

You may recall from a few days ago that Plant was having trouble deciding whether to join the reunion. It was at that point that the band let it be known that Zeppelin wasn’t above hiring a new singer to take his place. I jokingly suggested David Coverdale (of Whitesnake, etc.), and was surprised by how many other people out there said the same thing, only seriously.

But it’s moot now. Plant will be back on stage. Consider, though, what might have been had the band really started looking for a new singer. Lucky for you I’m connected, eh? Weather Station 1 got its hands on the Led Zeppelin management team’s shortlist of potential replacement singers, so I am now able to give you the top 12 choices that didn’t have to be made.

Phil Collins: Well, he isn’t doing much these days, or if he is, nobody cares. It would be quite the contrast, going from a singer with the most powerful wail in rock to a guy who has trouble opening his mouth. No chance.

Phil Gramm: I interviewed Phil Gramm once. I wanted to capture the majesty that was Foreigner in its heyday, so I asked him “Phil, when you’re onstage, singing, your eyes shut, and the band is tight, and the sound is big, and the crowd is roaring for you, and when you open your eyes, what do you see?” He said “I can see Mick.” Yes, I used to ask those kinds of questions, and yes, Phil Gramm is too dumb for Zeppelin.

George Michael: This guy can really sing. But can he rock? Oh, wait, he just got busted in a public washroom. Again. Does the world need Led Zeppelin fronted by a prettyboy in lipstick with a checkered past? No. Zeppelin left that kind of scandal behind in the ’70s. So, no.

Bret Michaels: I think this might work, but it would interfere with the much-anticipated Poison reunion tour of 2009. Wait, what? Poison never broke up? They’re still making records and touring? Really? Wow. Okay, so he’s busy. Plus there are all those same reasons I gave you for George Michael.

Billy Joel: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Not a chance. He doesn’t even get to walk past the studio. Billy Joel. Someone owed someone a favour there, let me tell you.

Billy Idol: This I would like to see. I once saw Billy Idol in concert. He got it on with a 50-foot inflatable woman. It was bizarre and strange, but might give Jimmy Page palpitations, so no. Jimmy has to stay healthy for this to work.

Robbie Dupree: What, you don’t remember Steal Away, from 1980? YouTube it. A classic. But the wrong fit for Zeppelin, as he is more like Kenny Loggins than Kenny Loggins.

Kenny Loggins: I spit on you and your Kenny Loggins records.

Kate Bush: What? Have you management types even heard of Led Zeppelin?

Paul Weller: As interesting as this sounds on paper, I really, really think it would suck dog ass.

Paul McCartney: As would this.

Paul Rodgers: Well, there you go.™