Today’s Moron: John McCain

I know he’s too easy a target, but this has to be said.

First of all, I have to tell you that I like John McCain. I have for a long time. Not in a political sense, but as a person. He’s pretty interesting, and you couldn’t make up his life story.

I was okay with him nailing the GOP nomination. Considering some of his rivals, I was actually really okay with it. And I overlooked a lot of his gaffes and goofs over the ensuing few months, because he’s John McCain and you have to expect those.

Even his pick of Sarah Palin as his running mate didn’t bother me, for two reasons: I know he wanted Joe Lieberman (which would have been very cool from a news junkie’s point of view) and I know he begrudgingly accepted Sarah on orders from the secret high council. Plus there was the added bonus of Sarah Palin being ready-made for satire and makefunnery.

I even took the lies in stride, because it’s a presidential race and he’s a Republican, so it’s part of the game.

No, what finally landed McCain here was his decision yesterday to suspend his presidential campaign in order to, uh, go to Washington and help fix the economic meltdown crisis.

I have chosen to take this decision as proof of McCain’s moronity. Remember, a week ago he said everything was okay. “The fundamentals of our economy are strong,” he said. Now this.

He wants to call off his debate with Barack Obama — hey, I’d be scared too, John — and it looks like Sarah won’t debate Joe Biden, either … again, some great TV that won’t happen. It’s like last year when the writers’ strike shortened all those TV shows’ seasons and I never got to see what happened on Private Practice.

If you want to be president, you have to be able to multitask. You don’t call off your campaign to go on some vague economic rescue mission. George W. Bush managed to get re-elected with a couple of wars going on, and if he can do it, McCain can. But he won’t. He finally, irrevocably proved himself to be a moron.

I guess they’ve all just decided it’s a losing proposition no matter what they do. It’s Obama’s year, and that’s pretty obvious, and fine by me. A few weeks from now, McCain will be back in the senate, Sarah will be hunting and I’ll still be Canadian. We have our own federal election in full swing right now, but man, it just isn’t that interesting compared to the States.

P.S. I’ve never actually seen Private Practice. Honest.

Some Kinda Elvis Thing

For sale: The Elvis Is Alive Museum. It’s on eBay right now with a minimum bid of $15,000. If you win the auction, you’ll become the new curator of the world’s only collection of books, pictures, FBI files, DNA reports and other junk that “proves” The King faked his death and lives on.

The museum is located in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, which used to be famous as the site for the Project Dribble tests, early experimentation in atomic detonation. It’s also the birthplace of Jimmy Buffett, who has claimed otherwise via his music.

Okay, first off, I should say that if I were to find myself anywhere near Hattiesburg, I would probably stop by the trailer or tool shed or whatever this museum is to check it out. I love Elvis. I’m actually a scary-level Elvis fan, which tends to surprise people. I have all his music and have seen most of his movies, and liked most of them, too. I’ve been to a massive Elvis convention. I think Elvis is not just the greatest singer in rock history — he’s one of the most important people to have ever lived.

But I’m pretty sure he’s dead.

The Elvis is Alive Museum, which was sold to its current owner on eBay last year for about half what he’s asking now, apparently doesn’t support any single explanation as to how Elvis faked his death. There are a lot of theories out there — a double was used, or the casket’s empty. Some say Elvis just wanted to live in seclusion. Others say he blew a brain vein and is, to this day, a vegetative patient in an obscure long-term care facility. But I’ve heard that one about JFK, too.

No, here’s how I know Elvis is actually dead: Having read every word written about him I have been able to find over the past 25 years or so, I just can’t see how he could stay silent for so long. The man was a raging egomaniac. He wasn’t happy unless people knew he was in the building. He was larger than larger than life — he thought he was a god.

There are a lot of theories out there, but they’re all crap. There’s no way he’s strumming an old acoustic guitar in a log cabin in Alaska. No chance he’s running a gas station in Maine (I read that one in the Weekly World News). He isn’t an anonymous retiree in Florida. If Elvis had really faked his own death, he would have lasted about three days before wandering into a diner, ordering a steak and saying ‘Hey, I’m Elvis.’

He died on August 16, 1977. Not on the toilet, as is often said; He was actually found fully clothed on his bathroom floor, having slipped from the easy chair he kept in there. Elvis, like many junkies, had several eating disorders and an interesting relationship with his bathroom.

He’s gone. But he’s still out there any time I need him, which is good enough for me.