Fertility Waters

Nicole Kidman says she managed to conceive a miracle child with Keith Urban because she swam under some magic waterfall in Australia.

Kidman, 41, who has been described as an actress, is in this new movie about Australia called, uh, Australia. It also has Hugh Jackman so it might only half suck, but I doubt that, because I saw Kate & Leopold. Anyway, Australia was filmed in Australia. Nicole plays an Australian whose plastic face melts off in the heat in Australia, and Hugh Jackman plays an Australian with a hat.

It was so hot during filming that Nicole and some other people went swimming at a place called Kununurra, and soon after she found herself mysteriously pregnant. Wait — she wasn’t the only one.

“Seven babies were conceived out of this film and only one was a boy. There is something up there in the Kununurra water because we all went swimming in the waterfalls, so we can call it the fertility waters now,” Kidman told the Australian Women’s Weekly in a report picked up by The Associated Press.

She has two kids, Connor and Isabella, whom she adopted while married to Tom Cruise. But the new baby, a girl named, uh, Sunday Rose, is her first and thus far only homegrown production. I know you think I’m building up to some kind of remark about why it took magic water to create life within the Stepford Wife of Cruise & Urban, but I will not be doing that. I’m truly happy for her and her tiny little love bundle, and also for Sunday Rose.

Hugh Jackman, meanwhile, swam at another spot further down the way, known as Kick Your Ass River. He woke up with an extra 35 pounds of rip and cut, and now the Wolverine movie is on its way.

So what is it about Australian water? Or is all just nonsense? Maybe it’s the Australians themselves. I should note, though, that Nicole Kidman is actually American; she was born in the States and migrated. Same deal with Mel Gibson. Technically American. Hugh Jackman is Australian … but Wolverine is Canadian.

Australians and Canadians have a lot in common, don’t forget – we’re the surviving major colonies, the Queen’s outposts across the sea. And we’ve had to build nations through struggle against both man and nature. We share a kind of toughness.

We don’t have any magic fertility water here in Canada, though. But we do have long, cold winters and long, dark nights. The National Hockey League went on strike once, and the birth rate soared.

Today’s Moron: Gear Up

Today’s Moron is Gear Up Motors, an Ontario company that sells, not motors, but equipment for the military – knives, flashlights, that sort of thing. As a result of its product line, Gear Up does a lot of business with the federal government.

A few days ago, someone contacted our Prime Minister’s office to point out that Gear Up’s website was loaded with some pretty inflammatory stuff. For example:

• A photo of John Wayne with the caption: “Jihad? I’ll give you a jihad you miserable, rag-headed, heathen bastard.”
• A notice that the company does not test its products on animals “We use Liberals” (Note that large-L Liberals are a Canadian political party)
• An odd statement for a company doing business with an officially bilingual (English/French) country: “Gear Up Motors is proud to be a fluently bilingual organization. We speak English and American.”
• This nugget of stupidity: “One day, long, long ago, there was a woman who surprisingly did not whine, bitch or nag. But this was a long time ago . . . And it was just for one day. The end.”

There was a lot more. It’s gone now. In its place is a statement from the company indicating that the comments aren’t meant to be racist or sexist, but that the company wants to slam terrorists. Apparently “rag-head” is meant to refer only to terrorists, not other turban wearers.

And it caps off with this line, which has been used by assholes for generations to defend racist behaviour: “This site exercises freedom of speech, freedom of expression and, most frightening of all, humour.”

That’s a real pile.

I’m an ethnic minority. I’m a mix of Irish, Scottish, African and North American Indian, which means I look like an Arab, and I’m often taken for one. Except in Mexico, where they thought I was Mexican. I have experienced all kinds of racism, most of it by confused people who don’t know what to make of me, which is how I spent a year of my childhood being called a slur for Pakistani and a year of high school being referred to as something else that I won’t even hint at.

Not everyone gets it. I work with a guy who has that borderline racism you sometimes see in people over 55. I’d guess he’d be shocked if someone called him a bigot, but he can make casual racial references to Barack Obama without batting an eye. He just doesn’t understand why it’s offensive. When I finally told him that as a person of African origin, I found the term bothersome, he just looked at me and said “I thought you were Italian.”

Now, here’s the thing: I like this guy a lot. His bigotry bothers me, but it’s not the focus of his personality. I hope I can effect a little change in him, but I doubt it, so I take the bad with the good.

See, I don’t hate racists. I don’t like racism. But I don’t throw the hate word around when it comes to any group of people, be they Jews, Arabs, racists, golfers, whatever … I would be guilty of blanket hatred the same way extreme racists are.

Racism isn’t going away. And it comes in all kinds of shapes and sizes, from casual remarks to organized groups. People like this winner at Gear Up Motors are at the top of the racist crap heap, and let me tell you why: They feel their hate is justifiable, and they hide behind an intentional misinterpretation of the right to free speech in order to spread it around.

On a positive note, a government spokeswoman told reporters yesterday that Gear Up Sports has concluded its current contract with the military and is unlikely to earn another cent of public funds ever again.

Music Review: Moke

I’m having a good time with music lately. I still listen to a lot of the same stuff I liked in the 80s, and I’m really happy some favourites have released new music in the last year or so — Ozzy (Black Rain), The Cult (Born Into This), Metallica (Death Magnetic), with AC/DC (Black Ice) on deck… I have been banging head quite often. Almost makes me want a mullet again.

Add to those ranks newer groups like the Killers, the Dandy Warhols and Wolfmother and you can see that I like music rooted firmly in 60s & 70s hard rock/metal/psychedelia, and also a little 80s pop.

Here’s a group you may not know, but one I absolutely worship: Moke. Not the British Moke. This is four Dutchmen and an Irish singer making absolutely exhilarating guitar-based pop-rock, very British in its tone but with a whole new edge.

I found them on Radio Netherlands, which plays here in Canada at night, and all it took was the first few lines of Here Comes The Summer for me to go swirling back to the late 80s, when Johnny Marr, Wayne Hussey and Billy Duffy paved the way for the Stone Roses, Black Grape and Blur. There was a guitar magic in the air back then, one that was just building its momentum when Cobain and crew de-tuned, slowed down and killed the buzz.

Moke’s album, Shorland, makes me weep in its perfection. It has been, and I do not exaggerate here, close to 20 years since a new band had this kind of effect on me. It goes beyond the music, which is hard, but not heavy, and melodic but not soft. It’s something classic and familiar but new and beautiful, too. Listening to it elevates me whether I’m hiking, working out, driving or parked in front of a computer.

Moke rocks. Moke actually rocks really hard. Witness this:

Their music may not be easy to find, but it’s worth looking for. Check iTunes. Check YouTube. There may be more information at their official site which also features a streaming player. Just please don’t download it illegally. These guys are epic and magical, and don’t deserve to have their good work ripped off.