Today’s Moron: Watchmen Sequel

Today’s Moron is the so-far-unnamed Hollywood executive who is considering a sequel to next year’s Watchmen movie.

On the surface you can sort of understand the thinking there. Superhero movies usually have sequels. The current big franchises – Spider-Man, X-Men, Batman chief among them – are knee-deep in followups (exhibiting varying degrees of suck). More Iron Man, Punisher, Hulk and Superman are on the way. There’s even talk of a new Daredevil film, Affleckless this time.

But that thinking doesn’t apply to the Watchmen.

Some of you know why. For those who don’t, let me sum it up quickly: It’s a standalone story, featuring characters who never appeared anywhere else, and it’s the finest superhero story ever told. And it ended. It had an ending. There is no more.

So yeah, it scares me a bit to hear there’s sequel talk. Actor Patrick Wilson, who plays Nite Owl, mentioned sequels the other day while doing press for his new movie, Lakeview Terrace. And Rich Johnston at Lying in the Gutters says the cast all signed sequel deals, which is pretty standard, but doesn’t necessarily mean a sequel will be made.

But if there is a sequel, what would it be?

• New stories of the 1940s Minutemen?
• A Dr. Manhattan/Comedian Vietnam war thriller?
• Rorschach in space?
• A comedy about Capt. Metropolis on a cruise ship?
• An animated spoof of Star Wars using the characters … no, I can’t even joke about this. It’s too stupid.

This is what Patrick Wilson said: “It’s all been talked about. Financially, they like to do that. But all of us, (director) Zack Snyder included, all go, ‘How on Earth could you do a sequel or prequel?’ Certainly, artistically, I can’t fathom how it would happen… But hey, if Alan Moore writes it, I’d love to read it.”

Writing a sequel? Alan Moore’s beard just burst into flames, people.

On a positive note, Lying in the Gutters is reporting today that the lawsuit blocking the release of Watchmen can easily be settled: Fox wants Warner to sign over the image and character rights for the 1960s Batman TV series so it can be released on DVD.

So there’s a way for everyone to win.

Honda Highway II

For some reason, really excellent people are flocking to Weather Station 1 to read about the Honda Highway, that stretch of California road that was repaved in a car promotion.

It’s just a quirky little story: Special grooves in the asphalt would create the William Tell Overture when Honda Civics crossed it at 55 mph. But neighbours complained about the noise, and the road was repaved. It was an oddball story, to be sure, but I’m at a loss to explain how that piece has now racked up more hits, more readers, than anything else here … in fact, more people read Honda Highway over the past two days than almost everything else put together. Thanks, readers.

Anyway, I got an e-mail about it, from a person called bradbar201:

Hey I read your one about the highway that makes music.
I have one here that if you take your bike on it you can do rap beats.
You have to hum or sing then ride and it comes out like beats.

Well, I can’t top that. I e-mailed this guy back and asked him to send me a video of him doing this, because I think it might be a real hit.

In the meantime, this is what the Honda Highway sounded like before it was repaved:

Magnum P.I. Movie

Hollywood is remaking Magnum PI. It’s happening. We can’t stop it. So here are 12 things that I want to see when the crap movie comes out, just before it fails and sinks.

• If Matthew McConaughey really does take the lead role, as rumoured, he’d better grow a moustache.
• If some other actor gets the part, he’d better grow a moustache.
• Set it in Hawaii. Jon Favreau moved Iron Man to the west coast. No big deal. Putting a Magnum remake in L.A. just so you can shoot in Vancouver, a big deal.
• Ricky Gervais should play Higgins. He pretends he doesn’t want to, but he does.
• The car should be the same car, not some Knight Rider-level crap update. Seeing Mattie Mac peel out in a red Porsche, or worse, red Tesla, would defeat the purpose.
• The short shorts should go, unless the movie is actually set in the 80s, which I think might be okay.
• TC’s helicopter has to replicate that drop to ocean level from the opening sequence.
• Mattie Mac Mac tried to portray Dirk Pitt in Sahara, proving he can’t play cool fan-favourite characters from any genre, so to hell with him. If he does sign on, well, I’ll still go see it, but on the way home I’ll buy the series DVDs to cleanse my palate.
• The sets have to be the same. The mansion, the guest house, the gate. Why change it?
• Don’t even think about casting Kenan Thompson as TC. No, no, no.
• But Sam Rockwell would be a fantastic Rick Wright.
• Come to think of it, Sam Rockwell would rule as Magnum. He’d just better grow a moustache, and act tall.

Next up is a Simon & Simon remake starring Luke & Owen Wilson. I just invented that for comedic purposes but you know it’s coming.

Barack Obama, Unintentional Muslim

I deal with politics for a living. At work, I also deal with business, human interest, crime and stupidity. I spend a lot of time thinking about language. And I blog for fun.

Here’s an example of all those things coming together beautifully.

This is a blog post by Nicholas D. Kristof of the New York Times. It turned up on digg.com’s front page, and for good reason: it’s a brilliant piece of journalism.

Go read it.