No Beer for Superman

Superman has been cut off.

I really can’t say much about Big Blue’s drinking habits. I suspect he’s immune to the effects of alcohol. I know some of you would think that’s great and others wouldn’t. After careful consideration, I have to say this: he’s imaginary, so it doesn’t matter. I think. There was that scene in that movie where he split in two and evil Superman sat in a bar, flicking peanuts at the bottles or something, but I have blocked that out, and so should you.

DC Comics this week recalled and pulped thousands and thousands of copies of the latest issue of Action Comics. Why? Because of this image on the cover:

This shows a slice of classic Americana: Clark Kent hanging out with his Pa back at the farm in Kansas, cracking the beers as the space boy shares stories of his latest adventures. In the background, Ma Kent and Lois Lane look on lovingly, having no doubt just made muffins.

(Your confusion can be forgiven if you know Superman only from the movies or TV’s Smallville – in the comics, his parents are alive and also very old.)

You won’t find this cover in comic book stores. No, it was removed and destroyed, the entire issue run reprinted at great expense. Nobody at DC is saying why, but speculation holds that it’s the beer. Sure enough, the new version came out with a slight tweak to the cover:

Now we’ve got Clark and Pa doing exactly the same thing, but drinking ‘Soda Pop.’ That’s what it’s called. So, let’s recap:

At first I was a bit ticked at this, as I am not a big fan of censorship. But I’ve softened my stance a bit. I guess it would be okay to show Iron Man drunk (as has been done) and it has been all right to amp up Batman’s brutality levels. Wolverine is often shown drinking and used to be shown smoking all the time. And we won’t even get into the good stuff, like Preacher, Transmetropolitan, Sandman, The Authority, Supreme Power … It has become part of the industry to re-imagine superheroes as flawed, troubled people with bad habits and problematic sex lives.

But some icons should be left sqeaky clean. Superman’s up there. Spider-Man, too. And Richie Rich. Can’t have Richie on E and crack, brawling outside the pub now, can we? A lot of little kids still idealize Superman, so showing him with a beer sends the wrong message.

And really, it’s just a comic book. Whether it’s a beer or a pop doesn’t affect the story inside, which, based on the last few years of Superman comics, is most likely dull and pointless.

In related news, DC also had to destroy thousands of copies of a recent Batman comic because of a printing error. Graphic swearing throughout the comic had been blacked out, but the ink used to black it out was pretty transparent, so you can actually read the swears. And they’re foul, foul, foul. Who says comics aren’t fun anymore?

Today’s Moron

Did you know that “HH” means “good luck?” I didn’t. But then again, I’m not a moron.

I would like to present to you a Canadian soldier named Ryan H., who is 32. I am not going to use his last name because he isn’t on trial. He’s a witness. But anyway, this isn’t about the crime. This is about his stupidity.

Here’s something Ryan posted on a pro-Hitler website recently: “We will stand together to destroy the enemies of the white man,” read one posting signed “HH” for “Heil Hitler.” He also included his e-mail address, because he is not very bright.

What he is is a racist. A white supremacist, part of a fairly sizeable contingent of shitheads who lurk around southern Ontario. They have websites and that sort of thing, and often rent old houses together and throw big parties that sometimes end in one of them being beaten to death with a bat. That’s what happened a while ago, and that’s why one of them is on trial for murder.

Ryan is a witness for the prosecution, because he was in the house that night. Today, in court in Barrie, Ontario (where psychics tip off child protection workers, remember?), Ryan took the stand and testified that despite his ties to skinheads, despite his presence in a house full of swastikas and signs reading ‘Full-On Hate,’ and despite his online comments about destroying minorities, he is not actually a racist.

Here’s the exchange, as reported by The Barrie Examiner:

“A lot of people think if you are proud to be white that means you’re a racist,” Hummel said, explaining he signed off his posts with “HH” to mean “good luck.”

“That’s what you want the jury to believe?” the defence lawyer asked. “How long are you going to keep up this facade … that you are not a white supremacist?”

After being pummelled with questions, Hummel stopped answering.

“Sir, these questions have nothing to do with the trial and I’m feeling stressed,” he said, prompting an adjournment.

He’s feeling stressed?

I’m proud of our armed forces. I may not agree with the war in Afghanistan, but I give nothing but respect to the men and women in uniform who are over there – and the ones back home, keeping us safe.

But not this asshole. You can’t wear the uniform of a country like Canada and hold these kinds of beliefs.

Fire Patriot Palin

If Sarah Palin had been my mother, my name would be Fire Patriot Palin.

That’s what the The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator has concluded, anyway. Go ahead and check it out. It’s a hoot.

As you know, I have poked fun at Sarah Palin’s stupid choices in names before. She named her daughter after her husband’s skidoo, for crying out loud. And her son is named Track because of … oh, never mind. It’s in the archives.

I think I’ll start calling myself Fire Patriot, though. It doesn’t sound as stupid as the other Palin kids’ names. Unfortunately, when I reverse my first and middle names, I become Meat Notgay Palin, which is a bit shit.

The saddest part of this is a couple of weeks ago, I had never heard of Sarah Palin.

Chinese Democracy II

Sometimes I’m a little stupid. For instance:

A few days ago I wrote a dorky little piece about the disappearance of Guns ‘n’ Roses, and what was holding up the Chinese Democracy album. I thought I was being very clever, and I assumed most people get the joke.

Ralph didn’t. You can check the comments on that post for more on that.

Somehow, though, that post has become the hottest item at the Weather Station. Blog stats don’t lie, and more visitors are reading that post than some of the good stuff about writing and other stupid things.

Anyway, think about the title of the album for a second. “Chinese Democracy.”

About a decade ago, Axl Rose decided he didn’t have to play the label-recording-promo-marketing-touring game anymore. He was fucking W. Axl Rose and he could do what he wanted. So what he did was drive a Porsche to Vegas naked, purchase 5,000 pizzas, a brewery, a line of chorus girls and a hotel. After a while, he staggered out of seclusion, got dreadlocks, showed up again and started to build a rotating circus of musicians, churning out a song here, a song there, touring like the Stones’ little brothers, selling back catalog, T-shirts, tickets … but he didn’t do anything traditional. He’ll play the game his way, and make the money his way. Axl, a genuine rock pirate, knew a long time ago that there’s no real money in CD sales, but if you build a myth it will all come together.

Chinese Democracy will never happen. There’s no such animal. The album will come out when pigs fly, when hell freezes over … when there’s democracy in China.

In the meantime, Appetite for Destruction is still good for a night of air guitar, beer and asskicking. So check that shit out.