Action Figures

Okay, Sarah Palin has officially arrived. She has an action figure.

Herobuilders.com has added the would-be VP to their list of current figures (which also features a bulgy buff Beach Blanket Obama)

For some reason, though, they dressed her an outfit strangely reminiscent of Britney Spears’ Hit Me Baby One More Time video. Not the first thing I think of when I picture the governor of Alaska. Not the second, either. To be fair, though, they also offer a Palin in business attire. But also one in black leather, with a gun. That’s more like how I picture Sarah in her off hours.

Being immortalized as an action figure is the true sign that you’ve arrived. Think about it: the original ’70s Han Solo Star Wars figure looked just like a little Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford, subsequently, has done well for himself in his career. The little Luke Skywalker, though, bore little resemblance to Mark Hamill, and his career has been less than stellar.

(There’s a reason for that, in a way that cross-pollinates two of my interests in a very creepy way; scroll down a bit to see it)

Whether Sarah Palin’s action figure proves to be the factor that helps put her and McCain into the White House remains to be seen and is, actually, a really stupid train of thought. But it’s fair to say being immortalized in plastic, with kung-fu grip and accessories, is a sign that someone out there thinks you’re important.

People who have been made into action figures:

• David Hasselhoff
• The Fonz
• Orlando Bloom
• Wayne Gretzky
• Hurley from Lost

People who have never been made into action figures:

• Mr. Chase, my sixth-grade teacher
• The inventor of the television
• Jason Biggs
• That bitchy teller at my bank who always talks about American Idol
• The guy who played Andy Travis on WKRP

I believe I have made my case.

All it takes is a tiny plastic duplicate to ensure fame. Take me, for instance. That’s me down there to the right, in Adventure Team Action Hiker gear, complete with water bottle and backpack. That’s right; I am immortal in plastic. And, as you know, I am super-famous.

No matter what else I achieve, I at least have this.

‘I Sense a Disturbance …’

Preparing for the Simply Syndicated Forum Fight Club:
Vader vs. Marius episode.

End Times

I know a born-again evangelical type of guy. You might know one too. He’s really into his faith, and he’s one of those no-such-thing-as-dinosaurs types. He thinks the Earth is 6,000 years old. A recent status update on his Facebook read “Now that scientists have proven evolution WRONG, it’s time to TAKE BACK OUR SCHOOLS!”

Talking to people like this can be tricky. One minute you’re back-and-forthing on what order to watch the Star Wars films, the next he’s saying “The whole story just reeks of Jewish interference.” He’s also convinced the world is about to end, so between the Mayan calendar and the CERN supercollider, I have been hearing a lot about the End Times.

“You really better repent,” he’ll say.

“If the world’s really about to end,” I usually answer, “Why are you still paying your bills?”

That one leaves him scratching his head and looking confused.

Anyway, he isn’t speaking to me these days. A couple of weeks ago, he made one of his comments about how the Bible has to be taken as the literal word of God, so I asked him a question:

“Adam and Eve were the first humans, right?”

“Right.”

“And they had two sons, right? Cain and Abel.”

“Right.”

“And Cain killed Abel, and God banished him.” This is where I indulged my own Bible knowledge, limited as it is. “Genesis says Cain went to live in the land of Nod, where he married and gave rise to a line of descendants.”

He nodded. “Right, that’s right.”

“So who,” I asked, “Did Cain, the only son of the only people on Earth, marry?”

He tried to offer up one of his type’s tried-and-true excuses – “That’s Satan going back in time and tampering with things to confuse us later” – but his heart wasn’t in it. Now he isn’t speaking to me, because he thinks I’m a heretic.

Shalom